Never Forget
by carlycarter
Summary: Set in Season 5 After Ep 128 Pre Rosereveal. Stevie struggles to come to terms with her past when her father contacts her for the first time in 15 years, as Michelle re marries giving Rose a surprising new stepfamily... StevieAlexRoseCharlotte.
1. Chapter 1

-1Stevie raced home after spending the afternoon with Sandra at Killarney. She had never thought of Sandra as being human before, or as having any vulnerability at all. She'd never given a second thought to Sandra's past, her family. Even though only hours ago Stevie would have sworn Sandra Kinsella was her number one enemy, seeing her break down like that had really elicited her sympathy. She was never one to turn a blind eye to someone else's pain. She could tell Sandra was really upset, or else she wouldn't have opened up to her like that, and told her about her mother. She listened as Sandra told her about being abandoned by her mother, how she felt her mother had never cared. How she was unable and unwilling to forgive her, even after she was dead. How much it still affected Sandra even as a grown woman. Stevie made tea, and said a few wise words, eventually leaving Sandra alone with her thoughts.

As Stevie reached her Ute, Sandra was already forgotten. But the events of the afternoon had touched a nerve with her. Initially her thoughts were of Rose. Is that how Rose would feel one day when she found out the truth? Abandoned and unable to forgive her? Would she die one day leaving Rose bitter and resentful and heartbroken, after years of no contact? All the way to Drovers she thought this over. When she arrived home she called Rose, and invited her for the holidays. They chatted about the latest happenings, the trees Stevie had planted for her, Rose's latest boyfriend, the rain that they were so desperately praying for. And as Stevie hung up the phone she realized that her relationship with Rose would never deteriorate to that level that Sandra had with her mother. Sure, there would be difficulties, but it wouldn't get that bad. She had nothing to worry about.

As she fell asleep that night she tried to remember that, to think of Rose, already planning things for her visit. But other thoughts crept up on her. Thoughts of her own mother. Her mother who kicked her out of home at 15 years old, the same age Rose was now. Her mother who she hadn't spoken to since that day, for over 15 years. She started to wonder if one day her mother would die, and she would get a parcel much like the one Sandra received, full of meaningless words, too little too late. Would she be so bitter and resentful as Sandra was, longing for just one more day to have a chance to make things right.

_"A mother never forgets."_ Those had been her words to Sandra, and she started to wonder about her own mother, had she really forgotten her so easily? Did she ever think of her? Stevie couldn't even imagine forgetting Rose, or cutting her out of her life, no matter what she had done. How could her own mother have done that to her? She hadn't stopped to think about her mother for years. Told herself that it didn't matter anymore, it was ancient history. But today had been a timely reminder for her of how short life is. And try as she might, she couldn't get thoughts of her mother out of her mind.

The following morning Stevie woke early to head over to Killarney to borrow their pump. She smiled as she saw Alex playing with Charlotte in the yard. He was so great with kids. He would make the best father, she thought to herself, and allowed herself the brief moment of fantasy of Alex fathering her children. As he noticed her and called out "Hey cowgirl" she pushed those thoughts aside, reminding herself he was a mate, that's all.

"Hey" She responded, a slightly embarrassed look on her face. She told herself to relax, he couldn't read her thoughts. "Hi Charlotte" she greeted the little girl who reached her arms out for Stevie to pick her up. Stevie couldn't refuse and held the little girl close. "You've grown so much." Stevie told her.

"Yeah I can't believe how much she's grown." Alex remarked with a hint of sadness in his voice. "I've missed out on so much."

Stevie's mind again wandered. She had missed so much of her daughter's life, her mother had missed so much of her life, and Charlotte's mother would never see her grow up at all. It was all so wrong.

"What can I do for you?" Alex asked

"I was hoping to borrow the pump." She told him, as she gently stroked Charlotte's hair, marvelling that the child seemed so content in her arms.

"The pump?" He asked, confused.

"Yeah the pump. Remember I asked you last week, you said it was fine. If you changed your mind…."

"I remember, cowgirl. But did I not bring the pump to Drovers yesterday?" He asked with a grin on his face.

"Oh yeah" She mumbled embarrassed, suddenly remembering that he had dropped the pump off yesterday.

"Getting old Stevie? Losing your memory already?? Aunty Stevie is very silly sometimes Charlotte" Alex told the little girl, laughing as if it was the funniest thing he'd heard in years.

Alex noticed that Stevie wasn't laughing, wasn't even smiling. "Something on your mind?" He asked seriously.

She shrugged. "Not really."

"Not really? Meaning, yes?" He asked.

They sat on the verandah, Charlotte settled happily in Stevie's arms. "Alex, do you ever think about your mother?" She asked.

Alex looked surprised for a moment. That was the last thing he was expecting to hear. He thought it over "Liz? No, not really. Why do you ask?"

"No reason." She answered.

"Come on, spill it." He prompted her "I don't have all day."

"Well. I've just been thinking…." She began.

"That must have hurt." He joked.

She didn't even poke him as she usually would when he teased her this way, and he realized perhaps it was not the time for jokes.

"Sorry." He mumbled. "I'm listening. Go on."

"Never mind. I have work to do. Wasted enough time here already this morning." She told him as she handed Charlotte back to him. "Bye Charlotte, have fun with Uncle Alex."

"Hey, I was just kidding Stevie." He tried to convince her to stay but it was no use.

He turned to the little girl in his lap and mumbled "I wonder what that was all about Charlotte? Aunty Stevie is acting very strange today isn't she? Even more than usual, I mean." The little girl giggled in response and Alex shrugged his shoulders and decided to get back to work. 


	2. Chapter 2

-1Stevie arrived back at Drovers Run feeling foolish for the conversation she had with Alex. Foolish for thinking he'd understand the strange thoughts going on inside her mind. Even she didn't understand. As she approached the house she looked eagerly for any sign of Turbo. He had been missing for almost a week now. Just vanished without a trace. Even her dog had abandoned her. It somehow seemed easier to accept that her own mother had turned her back on her than that Turbo had done the same. She stood for a moment on the verandah, searching the horizon for him. But she knew it was pointless. He was gone. He wasn't coming back.

Stevie entered the kitchen finding Jodi and Kate eating lunch.

"Where have you been?" Jodi asked.

"I had some business to attend to." Stevie answered her not wanting to admit she had gone to collect the pump that Alex dropped off yesterday.

"There's no sign of Turbo," Kate informed her as if Stevie had asked her.

Stevie shrugged her shoulders pretending that it didn't really matter. "Isn't it a bit early for lunch break? Those fences in Skinny Jims really need to be checked today." Stevie told Kate, perhaps sounding a bit too harsh.

"We checked them this morning." Jodi said.

"I told you to move the sheep this morning." Stevie answered her, frustrated but at the same time relieved at the change of subject.

"We did that too." Kate answered.

"Well go back and check the fences again. Properly this time. You cant possible have done a thorough job." Stevie ordered the girls raising her voice. They sat in shock for a moment, Kate dropped her half eaten sandwich to her plate and Jodi looked to Stevie with her wide eyes full of disbelief.

"Well don't just sit there, move it!" Stevie added, hoping to stop them staring at her like she had two heads or something. Jodi was about to say something, but Kate jumped up and dragged her out the door, mumbling something under her breath that Stevie didn't quite catch. Stevie shook her head and headed outside to feed the horses, feeling suddenly guilty that she had interrupted the girls in their lunch and spoke to them so harshly. Guilty, but very grateful to be alone.

Hours later, Stevie's heart skipped a beat as she watched Alex Ryan's Ute pull up the driveway of Drovers Run. She told herself to calm down, it was just Alex, just her best mate. And he was probably here to talk to Jodi about the sheep sale. She stayed hidden behind the trees watching. She watched as he got out of the Ute, appreciating the fact that he was wearing his tight fitting jeans, and headed into the house. She thought about following him in to say hello, but decided for the moment she was happier with her fantasies.

She sat alone under a tree, thinking about Alex, thinking about her mother, just thinking in general. So consumed was she in her thoughts that she hadn't noticed Alex approach from behind. She jumped with fright as he lay his hand on her shoulder.

"Settle down cowgirl, its just me."

"Don't sneak up on me like that!" She told him. "I didn't know you were here." She added, trying to sound convincing.

"Just came by to sign the contract for the sale of the sheep." He told her.

She nodded. There was nothing interesting to reply about sheep.

"Want a beer?" He asked

"Did you bring any?" She asked hopefully

"No."

"Well then we haven't got any."

"Nice. How could you let the beer supply run out? I'm gonna have to speak to Tess about this." He joked. "Drink at the pub?"

She smiled nervously. Suddenly aware of her appearance. Still in her work clothes, her hair must be a mess, she hadn't even showered yet. "Not tonight" She answered. She didn't feel like the long drive into Gungellan just to sit in a crowded pub. Still, she couldn't help the way her eyes lit up when he had invited her to the pub. Its not a date, just mates going to the pub, we've done it hundreds of times before.

Suddenly uncomfortable sitting next to him having these childish thoughts, she stood "I guess you better be going, and I better go get changed I look a mess."

"You look fine." He told her standing and taking her hand.

She surveyed her appearance again "Alex, I don't look fine."

"Well I've seen ya looking worse." He said plainly.

"Gee thanks, I think." Stevie mumbled in reply.

"Anyway I wanted to talk to you." He said, pulling her back to sit down beside him.

"About what?" She asked, trying to hide the fact that her heart rate had doubled at the moment he took her hand.

"Before when you came over to Killarney. I get the feeling that something was on your mind. I wasn't paying much attention. Sorry. But I'm here now, so spill it."

"It's nothing, It doesn't matter."

"It does matter. I thought we were mates. If you cant tell me then who can you tell?"

She smiled at him, grateful beyond words to have him as part of her life. "Saying it out loud suddenly makes it sound so stupid."

"Well I heard you say plenty of stupid things before." He announced, earning him a playful slap across the arm.

"I was just thinking about my mother." There, she said it.

"Your mother?" He asked.

"Yeah I do have one."

"I don't hear you talk about her."

"Because I don't."

"So what exactly were you thinking?"

"I don't know. Just about Sandra and her mother, how sad it is, all those lost years, and Sandra thinking her mother didn't care, never getting a chance to make it right before she died."

"So what exactly happened between you and your mother?" Alex asked.

"She kicked me out when she found out I was pregnant with Rose."

"And?" Alex asked. That much he knew already.

"And that's it. Haven't seen or heard from her since."

"Wow, that's a long time."

"Yeah, too long I guess."

"Well, It's her loss Stevie." Alex told her. Not knowing what to say, or what she wanted him to say, Alex figured it was time to change the subject.

Stevie nodded, replaying the words she had said so Sandra the day before _A mother never forgets _

"I picked up your mail on the way in." Alex told her.

She took the pile of letters discarding the bills and picked up the one remaining envelope, addressed to her. She curiously tore open the letter. She recognised the handwriting on the envelope immediately as being her fathers. Hey eyes skimmed the letter.

_'Dear Stephanie,_' It began. And suddenly she heard her fathers voice to those words so clearly as if he was standing right behind her. He was the only one who she would allow to call her 'Stephanie.' Somehow she never minded it coming from him.

Stevie's mind flashed back to her 6th Birthday. Back to the time she was 'daddy's little girl'. _She could never forget the joy in her fathers eyes when he saw her standing in the dress he bought for her. Stevie didn't recall ever wearing a dress before that day. She didn't even like that stupid dress. She wore it for him. And the smile on his face mad her forget how stupid she looked. She remembered that party, but as if it happened to someone else. Everyone laughing and playing and dancing. Balloons, presents, streamers, cake. She felt like the most important person in the world to him. And as he disappeared into the house and came back with a big box, wrapped with a red ribbon, she knew already what was inside..._

She hated herself in that moment for the single tear that slipped down her cheek. Who should she feel any pain for the loss of that man. That man who was supposed to love and protect and cherish her but turned his back as if she didn't exist. He meant nothing to her now. Nothing.

"Are you ok?" Stevie heard Alex ask, jolting her out of her memory.

She had forgotten he was standing there. "Yeah of course." She answered trying to wipe the tears from her eyes quickly without him noticing. She tore the letter in two without reading and further and threw it to the ground. "Well I've gotta get going, nice talkin to you." She told him as she quickly walked back to the house, leaving Alex sitting confused under the tree.


	3. Chapter 3

-1Rose Hall-Smith sat in her room softly crying. She hadn't wanted her mother to hear her cry. She was angry with her mother. But at the same time her mother was the only person she had left to count on. And she didn't want her to leave as well. Rose hadn't been surprised last week when her parents had announced they were getting divorced. She had seen that coming from all the arguments that occurred lately. She was almost relieved the fighting would end. But tonight when her father announced that he had a job in Tasmania and was leaving tomorrow, Rose had stood staring at him for a moment, then turned silently and headed to her room. She heard her father leave shortly after that. He hadn't even come upstairs to say goodbye to her. She tried to tell herself that she didn't care. But she did. And the silent tears she cried were for him. "Don't leave me Daddy." She whispered.

During the times that the arguments had been bad, Rose sought solace at her grandparents house. She was particularly close to her grandfather. He was like a father to her, filling the void that her own father left vacant. Somehow she always felt distant from Tom, as if he never really loved her. But her grandfather cherished her, of that Rose had no doubt. And now she was losing her grandfather too. She had seen him getting sicker, weaker, paler as the days went on. She asked her mother and grandmother numerous times about it. They always told her the same thing, that Grandpa was sick, but that he was getting treatment, that he would get better. Rose didn't know if they were lying to her or lying to themselves. She knew in her heart that her grandfather was dying.

Getting no straight answers from either woman, Rose had asked her grandfather one day last week. She was over at their house. The sat watching a movie. He no longer had the strength to go horse riding with her. Or even to take a walk around the block.

_"Grandpa?" She asked softly._

"Yes Rosie." He answered her. He was the only one who ever called her Rosie. If any of her friends called her by that name she would have been horrified. She was far too old for such a nick name. But coming from her grandfather it seemed sweet.

"You're not going to get better are you?" She asked

"Well, Rosie. I don't think so. Not this time." He answered.

"But isn't there some treatment?" Rose asked hopefully.

"I've been having the treatment every day. It's not working for me."

"So that's it? You're just going to give up and die?" She had asked him with tears in her eyes. She came to him wanting the truth. The truth that her mother and grandmother refused to give her. But now that she heard it, she wished she had never asked.

He pulled her close to him "Well I haven't given up Rosie. But we all have to die sometime."

"Not now!" Rose had told him "You can't Grandpa. I need you."

"Oh Rose" the old man said sadly "You'll be just fine with out me. You'll need to be strong for your mother and Grandmother."

She nodded, wiping the tears from her eyes.

"Don't cry Rosie. I've had a good life, been blessed with a beautiful family. And I am going to enjoy the time I have left with my beautiful wife, and my daughter and my grand daughter."

Rose thought about that for a moment "What about your other daughter?" She asked him.

The man quickly looked away. "Rose, your grandmother and I have only one daughter."

Rose had heard those words from her grandparents countless times over her life, but they never ceased to infuriate her. How could they just deny that they had another child like that. Her mother had told her many times not to mention Stevie in front of her grandparents. And over the years she had learned that when she was around her grandparents, Stevie just didn't exist. But this time was different.

"But Grandpa this might be your last chance." Rose told him. "Whatever Stevie did it cant be that bad. She's still your daughter. Don't you want to make things right before……" Rose let her voice trail off as she saw a tear in her grandfathers eye.

Then her grandmother interrupted "Rose, you know your grandfather and I don't speak of Stephanie. She made her choice. She broke your grandfathers heart. And she hasn't given us a second thought over the years. So I will hear no more about her."

Rose nodded, still shocked. How could all this be happening? Her grandfather dying. He was such a great man. How could Stevie just have walked away from him like that? How could Stevie not even care that he was dying? She decided her grandmother must be right, Stevie mustn't care very much about her parents. And if she didn't want to know Grandpa then that was her loss. They didn't need her here.

Rose heard her grandparents softly talking later that night when they thought she was asleep.

"Rose is right about one thing, you should contact Stephanie" Rose heard her grandmother say firmly.

This surprised Rose as she thought her grandmother was the one that hated Stevie most of all. The one who said she would hear no more about the subject.

"Too much water under the bridge" Her grandfather answered. "We have had a life time to make things right. It would be insincere of me to contact her now. "

"Oh you foolish man! I'm not talking about making things right with her. She is the one who made her choices. We have done nothing wrong!" The woman's voice grew louder.

The old man sighed. Many times over the years he had tried to convince himself they had don't nothing wrong. But at times when he remembered how much he loved his little girl, and at times when Rose would run to him and hug him and reminded him so much of Stephanie, he wondered if he had been foolish to cut his daughter out of his life over one mistake. "What are you talking about then?" The man asked wearily.

"The bone marrow transplant! Since Michelle wasn't a match you must contact Stephanie, ask her to be tested. She might be a match. It could be a cure for you."

Rose felt her heart skip a beat as she heard those words. A cure? Maybe her grandfather would be ok after all. Rose was sure Stevie would help him, no matter what their silly fight was about or how much she hated him, she wouldn't let him die.

"A transplant would only buy time, maybe a few months." He answered her.

"That's not what you said when you asked Michelle to be tested." His wife reminded him.

"I'm not sure I can bring myself to ask her. After 15 years of no contact. Of shutting her out of my life, how can I come crawling to her now asking her for help. It wouldn't be right." He replied firmly.

"Oh you foolish stubborn man, can't you put aside your pride for one moment, even when your life is at stake?" She asked him. "You have so much to live for. Don't you want to see Rose grow up,?"

"Alright." The man conceded. "I'll write to Stephanie in the morning."

Rose went to sleep that night with hope in her heart. Hope that her grandfather would recover, hope that their family would be restored, and maybe for once they could have a real family Christmas, with her parents, her grandparents, and Stevie. 

Her dream of that perfect family Christmas had pretty much been ruined when her father announced he was leaving for Tasmania. Rose reminded herself she didn't need him. She had her mum, and her grandparents. She hadn't said anything to her mum about what she'd heard, about the bone marrow transplant, and her grandfather asking Stevie to be tested. But in her heart she knew that Stevie would be a match, and that her Grandfather would recover. And she pushed thoughts of her father aside, trying not to remember how insignificant he had made her feel.

She heard her mother knocking on the door and ignored it. But her mother persisted knocking.

"Go away." Rose answered her.

"Rose, can I please come in?" Michelle asked "I need to tell you something."

Rose panicked for a moment, was it something about her grandfather, was he in the hospital again? Rose opened the door to her mother after wiping the tears from her face.

"Rose, I'm sorry about tonight. Daddy and I didn't want it to be like this…" Michelle began.

"I do not want to talk about him.' Rose replied before her mother could finish the sentence. 

"That's ok." Michelle answered. "I have something else to tell you. Something good."

"What?" Rose asked

"Well Rose, I'm getting married again." Her mother announced.

"What!?" Rose asked in disbelief. How could her mother think this was 'good news' "You can't. What about Daddy?"

"Rose, your father and I have been seeing other people for a long time now. The divorce had been in motion for months. And as soon as the divorce is final I will be marrying Peter."

"Peter? Who the hell is Peter? You can't just marry someone I don't even know!" Rose yelled at her mother. 

"Rose don't be so dramatic! I'm not to going to marry him tomorrow Rose. You will have time to get to know him. He is a wonderful man. He treats me with more respect than your father ever did."

Rose knew her father wasn't the greatest father or husband, but hearing him attacked like this she felt compelled to defend him.

"But he's my father! You can't change that! You can't just marry someone else. What about me?" Rose asked hysterically.

"Rose, calm down! Peter is a good man, and he will be a wonderful step father. He has three daughters of his own. You always wanted sisters Rose. And now you will have three. Natalie, Alana and Charlotte."

Rose didn't care to hear any more about that man and his little brats. "Get out of my room!" She screamed to her mother. Just when she thought things couldn't get any worse, something surprised her. She wished for the hundredth time that year that she could live with her grandparents. If her grandpa hadn't been so sick she would have packed her bags and ended up on their doorstep. But it wouldn't be fair with her Grandpa so sick. Then she thought of asking her father to take her to Tasmania. But she knew deep down he didn't want her tagging along. And besides she couldn't leave her grandfather. Rose buried her head in her pillow and wished she had somewhere to run away to. 


	4. Chapter 4

-1Alex followed Stevie into the house, picking up the discarded pieces of paper in his hands instinctively shoving them into his pocket. As he reached the house he heard her door slamming upstairs. He stood for a moment, wanting nothing more than to go to her, to find out what was wrong, to comfort her. Was she really that upset about her mother? About Rose? Was there something else on her mind? He never was very good at figuring out what makes women tick. But all the same, he hated the thought of her being alone if she was upset. As he reached the top of the stairs, suddenly he stopped. He felt that he was invading her privacy to intrude into her bedroom. He had been here for her, she walked away. She obviously didn't want to talk to him. Maybe she wanted to be alone?

If she had just stayed downstairs, or even if she had left the bedroom door open, then he might have felt comfortable pursuing the matter. But he felt shut out. He sat for a while on the top of the stairs. He thought about getting up, and knocking on her door, asking if she wanted company. But he wasn't sure what he would do after that if she said yes. He wasn't terribly good in an emotional crisis. She had tried earlier to talk to him and obviously he had failed her. So he sat, unable to leave. Thinking that somehow just by sitting on the stairs outside her room he was doing his best to be there for her. It was then he thought he heard her softly crying.

No longer able to leave her alone he quickly got up and headed towards her bedroom door. He stood for a moment leaning against the door, certain he heard the muffled sounds of crying from his best mate on the other side of the door. That sound broke his heart. It cut through him more deeply than he expected, and he was overcome with this desire to burst into her room and take her in his arms, and take all her pain away. 

Nervously he knocked. He received no answer. He noticed his hands were shaking. Why was he suddenly so nervous? She was his best mate. That's all. And he took a deep breath, and told himself he'd just threaten to break down the door like he had done in the past, then he'd listen to her for a while as she talked about whatever she wanted to talk about, then they'd go for a ride on his bike, and everything would be sorted. But somehow he felt this time something was different. His own feelings were different. He wasn't here to just cheer up a mate. His arms ached to hold her, his lips longing to kiss her until whatever was making her cry was driven far away from her mind. He shook his head. Now was not the time for thoughts like that.

He knocked again, then reached forward to open the door. He saw her lying on the bed, her head turned away from him, hiding her tear stained face.

"Stevie?" He called softly and she ignored him. "You ok mate?" He asked coming closer and sitting beside her on the bed.

"Go away." She mumbled. 

He sat still for a moment. Not sure what to do. He wanted to say a thousand things to her. To tell her that he was here for her. That it would be ok. That he wanted to make everything ok for her. He wanted to touch her, to hold her, to kiss her. But he held back. The last thing he wanted to do was go away.

"I can't leave you like this." he told her. "Tell me what's wrong."

It was then she sat and turned around to face him, picking up a clock from the bedside table and throwing it towards the door.

"Go away!" She screamed at him, as the clock smashed to the ground and Alex jumped back, startled.

She turned away from him again, and buried her head in the pillow.

Alex stood shocked for a moment. But before she could throw anything else, and before he upset her further, he silently retreated out of the room. It wasn't that he was afraid of injury from whatever objects would be flying around the room. It was just that he didn't know what to say, or what to do, to make everything ok. And that killed him.

Alex sat downstairs in the kitchen wondering if he had done the wrong thing. Maybe he should have just left her alone in the first place. Maybe he should go back in there and try talking to her again. Before he could decide, he heard Kate and Jodi come into the kitchen.

"Hey" He greeted them.

Neither of them replied. Alex sighed, feeling that he was loosing his way with the women.

"What's up with you two?' Alex asked them.

"Overseer from hell" Kate answered.

"Stevie?" Alex asked.

"Who else?" Kate said, as Jodi shot her a look that told her to shut up. Alex was Stevie's best mate, and probably not the best person to be complaining to.

"What's she done?" Alex asked.

"It doesn't matter, We'll sort it out." Jodi answered quickly. If Stevie was mad now, she'd be a whole lot madder if she found out that they had been bad mouthing her to Alex.

Alex nodded "Ok. Just, give her a break." He told the girls. He could see they were angry, but he felt the need to defend Stevie, even not knowing what it is that happened.

"Give her a break?" Kate answered in disbelief "What about us?"

"Come on, you know what she's like. Don't take it to heart. She takes it out on other people when she's upset about something. She doesn't mean it."

"Well we all have problems in our life Alex, but we don't take it out on the people around us." Kate shot back.

"What's she upset about?" Jodi asked Alex.

"I don't really know. I was hoping you'd go and talk to her Jodi?" Alex suggested.

"Me? You're her best mate." Jodi pointed out. She was still angry at the way Stevie had treated her that morning.

"I tried. She told me to get lost and started throwing things at me." Alex admitted.

"Well, don't take it to heart." Kate threw his words back at him. "It's a wonder she has any friends left." Kate finished.

"Are you guys having a fight?" Jodi asked Alex.

"No." Alex answered quickly. "Well at least I don't think so." He tried to recall if he and Stevie had been arguing about something. "Can't you go talk to her Jodes? She's really upset. Maybe it's a girly thing? I'm sure you'll know the right thing to say and do."

Jodi hesitated for a moment, remembering the way Stevie had spoken to her. She was angry at first like Kate had been. But now she started to realise that something was not right with Stevie. "Yeah ok, of course I'll talk with her, where is she?" Jodi asked.

"Upstairs crying in her room." Alex replied. He wasn't certain that he should have told them that. He somehow knew that Stevie wouldn't be happy to know that she was the topic of conversation. But he just thought that if she wouldn't let him help her, maybe she would let the girls help her. He couldn't go home and leave her all alone so upset.

Jodi nodded "Don't worry, She'll be ok" Jodi assured him, and headed up the stairs.

"Maybe you should take a crash helmet Jodi." Kate suggested.

Alex somehow doubted that Stevie would start throwing objects at Jodi, but he did guess that she would probably tell Jodi to get lost too.

"You're really worried about her, aren't you?" Kate asked.

"Yeah." He answered, then realising how sentimental he was sounding added quickly "She's my mate. And I don't like seeing girls cry."

Kate nodded, "Yeah ok, I'll give her a break. This time." Kate answered, seeing that look in his eyes was something more than concern for a mate. Kate was curious herself now, what exactly was going on with Stevie and Alex? She anxiously waited for Jodi to come back downstairs with all the gossip.

"Well I better go, I guess I'm not any use around here. Tell Stevie to call me. Anytime." 

Alex headed for his Ute, figuring he had done his part, and satisfied that Jodi would make sure Stevie was ok for tonight. Only then he remembered the torn letter that he had picked up from the ground.


	5. Chapter 5

_6 months later _

Stevie stood back from the crowd at her fathers funeral. She hadn't really wanted to come. She felt so out of place among her own family. Being among these people she hadn't seen for years stirred up far too many painful emotions. So she hid out of sight watching the event unfold around her as if she had no part in it.

Her mother had turned into a woman she didn't recognise. Her hair that was once long, thick and brown was now short and grey. She had lost weight. Her eyes looked so sad, so empty. Stevie wondered about all the things she had missed out on in her families life those 15 years. She wondered if her mother would recognise her? If she'd be glad to see her? If she regretted those lost years at all? But now wasn't the time to ask even if she had the courage. So she stayed in the shadows watching.

She tried to tell herself she belonged here. That man they all cried over had been her father. But he hadn't been a father to her for 15 years. Sometimes she blamed him for that, for turning his back on her. Sometimes she blamed herself, for not being the daughter he had wanted her to be. Either way, she never pictured herself to be standing here mourning his loss. Over the last 15 years she had more than enough time to convince herself that he meant nothing to her. He cut her out of his life, and she did the same.

If it wasn't for the letter he sent…If he hadn't contacted her…If he hadn't said those things to her that day only months ago…..then she wouldn't have been standing here. She could still make no sense of that. And wondered if it only made everything worse to have seen him again so recently.

She closed her eyes as images of the father she had grown up with came to mind. The man who taught her to ride a horse, who used to read bedtime stories to her and Michelle, who called her 'princess'. She didn't often allow herself to remember these times.

But she could never think of that man without picturing him standing before her the day he ordered her out of the house.

_She looked first to her mother that day. Thinking how she needed her mother more now than ever. Thinking of how she was soon to be a mother herself. That somehow this would bring them closer. But it was only shame and anger and disappointment in her mothers cold eyes that day. She understood immediately that her mother had turned her back completely. And then she looked to her father. Her eyes pleading with him that she needed him, that she was sorry, that she loved him. Somehow she hadn't expected him to be as harsh as her mother was. Somehow she had believed him when he told her he would love her and stand by her always. He looked away, unable to look her in the eyes, and told her calmly "You are not my daughter."_

"Do you wanna go talk to Rose?" Stevie heard Alex asking her, jolting her out of her memory.

She turned to face Alex, having almost forgotten he was standing beside her. She could tell he felt as awkward as she did. Alex had been the one who talked her into coming here today. He was right, she needed to be here. It wouldn't have made a difference to her father, but she needed closure. And Alex had stood beside her every step of the way as only a true friend can.

She shook her head in reply to his question, fearing that if she opened her mouth she would cry, and she promised herself she wouldn't cry today. She was through crying for her family. She looked over to Rose standing with Peter and Michelle.

Rose was close to her grandfather. And Stevie could understand why. Before Stevie became pregnant with Rose she had been close to him also. He was her hero, and she saw Rose look to him in the same way. Stevie knew the pain of losing him, she lost him 15 years ago. She wanted to go to Rose, and comfort her. But she saw Rose hugging Michelle, and her grandmother, and realised she had no place in that picture. Stevie consoled herself with the thought that at least Rose wasn't alone.

"Lets go." She finally spoke and turned and headed for the car.

"Are you sure?" He asked putting his arm around her.

She looked up to him, trying to smile. Trying to show him that she was ok, that none of this mattered to her.

"Yes. Lets go home." She replied, as she tried to think of Drovers, and Rose, and her friends, and Alex. That was her future. The past didn't matter anymore.

Alex saw her smile, but saw also the pain in her eyes that she couldn't hide from him. When she turned her head to hide her silent tears, he pulled her close holding her tightly. She let herself sink into his embrace. Being in his arms felt like the safest place she had ever known. When she finally pulled away from him, he gently brushed the tears from her cheek.

"Yeah lets go home." He agreed as he took her hand and led her to the car.

She smiled to herself, realising that she was so lucky to have Alex as part of her life. For the first time in fifteen years she felt like she wasn't alone in this world.

Rose lay on her bed watching the little girl beside her. She was just sitting, looking at Rose expectantly. Rose was incredibly unimpressed with her newfound sisters. All those years blowing out candles on birthday cakes wishing for sisters had been a huge mistake. It was true, you should be very careful what you wished for. Sisters were nothing but trouble, she decided. But they weren't really her sisters. Maybe real sisters would be more fun.

Natalie and Alana had gone to stay with their mother. Rose wasn't sorry to see them go. They were annoying, but didn't bother Rose much, they preferred to pick on someone smaller than them, someone like Charlotte. Rose always stood up for Charlotte, not because she especially liked Charlotte, just because it was right thing to do. Charlotte had been following her around ever since. Rose couldn't get rid of the little kid. She just wanted to be alone after her grand fathers funeral, and here was this kid just sitting on her bed watching her.

"Are you sad about your grandpa Rose?" The little girl finally asked.

"Yes of course" Rose answered harshly.

"I'm sad about my Mum too." The little girl spoke quietly.

And Rose suddenly felt bad for being so harsh. Charlotte lay down beside Rose, and Rose stroked her hair gently the way she remembered her mother used to do for her when she was small. Charlotte's life hadn't been so great either. Her mum died ages ago and Charlotte didn't even remember her. The only mother figure she had known in Julia had walked out and left her. Charlotte was never invited on these trips to go stay with Julia. But Rose guessed Charlotte was probably just happy to have Natalie and Alana out of the way for a while. Peter seemed a nice guy. But he had already had children with two different women, and now was married to her mother which seemed a bit weird to Rose. Rose shuddered as she imagined her mum and Peter having babies one day.

Still, her mum marrying Peter hadn't been the end of the world. He was nice enough to Rose, and paid her more attention that Tom ever did. Natalie and Alana pretty much stayed out of her way, and she could even get used to Charlotte following her everywhere. But Rose would never get used to her Grandfather not being around anymore.

Rose was devastated to have lost him. But even more than that, she was angry. She blamed one person for this. Stevie. Stevie was supposed to have saved him. She thought back to that conversation she had heard. That conversation she had told no one about. That her grandfather was going to ask Stevie to donate her bone marrow for a transplant. And then her grandfather would have lived. Stevie could have saved him, and she didn't. She let him die. To Rose, that was unforgivable. Rose started to believe that all the things her grandmother told her about Stevie were true. It was hard to accept at first, as Stevie had always been a hero to Rose. But now Rose saw the truth. Stevie didn't care about any of them. She didn't care about anyone but herself.

Rose saw Stevie standing in the back of the funeral. How could she have the nerve to show up after she was the reason for his death? No wonder she hid away too scared to show her face. She had no place there.

Rose closed her eyes, pushing thoughts of Stevie aside and trying to remember her Grandpa. She could still remember the last conversation they had as if it was minutes ago.

_"I love you Rose." He told her and kissed her on the cheek. _

"I love you too." She replied, trying not to cry. She knew it would be the last time she spoke to him. And she tried to smile, to make him happy. He always told her that she had a beautiful smile.

"I love your mother too, you know?"

"I know." Rose answered him.

"She doesn't know" He said sadly.

"Yes she does." Rose assured him. Of course Michelle knew her father loved her. They had always been close.

"Tell her Rose." Her grandfather pleaded. "Tell her I love her."

"Tell her yourself" Rose answered confused.

"She doesn't believe me. Promise you will tell her."

"I promise" Rose answered. "I'll tell her."

And she had kept that promise, telling Michelle later that day about the strange conversation. Rose has been so upset about her grandfather that she failed to notice the look of horror on her mothers face.

"Did Grandpa say anything else?" Michelle asked, realising that it was not a message for her, but one he had intended for Rose to pass on to Stevie. Michelle's heart skipped a beat wondering if her father had let anything slip about Rose's real mother.

"No." Rose replied. "Just to tell you that he loves you."


	6. Chapter 6

Alex sat in his car piecing the torn papers together. He felt a momentarily stab of guilt invading her privacy by reading her mail. But he pushed it aside. She had thrown the letter at him hadn't she? It was only torn into two and quite easy to make out the words.

_Dear Stephanie. _

This is your father. I hope this letter finds you well. It is difficult to find the right words after so many years. I'd like to see you. Please call me. Dad

Jodi headed up the stairs to check on her friend. She knocked gently but didn't bother waiting for a reply as she let herself in. She found Stevie lying on the bed sound asleep. Quietly she pulled a blanket over her friend and headed down the stairs.

Kate was waiting in the kitchen. "That was quick. Is everything ok?"

"She's asleep." Jodi answered.

"At this time of day?" Kate wondered to herself. "I wonder what is going on?"

"No idea." Jodi replied.

"Shouldn't we wake her? It's her turn to cook dinner after all and I'm starving."

"Nah just leave her. I'll cook something." Jodi volunteered.

Kate raised her eyebrows. "I think I'd rather starve Jodi."

"Well then you cook." Jodi suggested.

"Fine, I'll make Lasagna."

"Great, I'm off to have a shower."

"Jodi you could at least make a salad." Kate called out but Jodi ignored her.

Kate prepared the meal, wondering about all the possibilities of what had put Stevie in such a bad mood, and resenting the fact she now had to cook when it wasn't her turn.

Kate turned as she heard Alex enter the kitchen.

"Smells good." He told her.

She smiled at the compliment. At least someone appreciated her cooking.

"Forget something?" She asked as he started picking from the salad. "Hey there wont be any left if you eat it all now." Kate scolded him stealing the salad bowl away.

Alex tried to answer but he was busy munching carrots.

"Smells really good." Alex complimented her again when he swallowed his mouth of food.

"Would you like to stay for dinner Alex?" Kate asked already knowing his answer.

"Thought you'd never ask." He smiled.

Jodi returned at the convenient time that Kate had finished not only cooking dinner but also setting the table.

"Thought you left?" Jodi asked Alex.

"I smelled Kate's lasagna and had to stick around. Where's Stevie?' Alex asked the question that had been on his mind since he returned.

"Asleep. Do you think should wake her Jodes?" Kate asked

Jodi shrugged. "I guess so." She replied and headed up the stairs.

Jodi gently shook her friend to wake her.

"Hey Stevie are you coming down stairs for dinner?"

Stevie sat up rubbing her forehead "What time is it? You should have woken me."

"8. You seemed kind of stressed. We thought you needed some sleep. Is everything ok?" Jodi asked

"Yeah fine. I'm sorry about the way I spoke to you and Kate earlier. It was out of line."

Jodi waved her hand for Stevie to forget it. "Come on, Kate made Lasagna."

Stevie would have rather Jodi yelled at her than forgive so easily and look to her with so much pity.

"It was my turn to cook tonight." Stevie protested.

"Come on its getting cold." Jodi tried to hurry her friend.

Stevie hesitated for a moment.

"I can bring some up here if you don't feel like coming down." Jodi offered

Stevie decided the least she could do was show up at dinner and apologise to the girls. Besides Jodi was already starting to look at her strangely and she didn't want them to pester her with questions about what was bothering her. She wanted only to be left alone.

"Nah, I'll be down in a minute." Stevie answered.

As Stevie entered the kitchen to find Alex seated at the table she stopped in her tracks. Why hadn't she brushed her hair or washed her face or changed her clothes before coming down? She shot a dirty look at Jodi for not letting her know Alex was still here. Had they all been sitting around talking about her while she was asleep? She silently sat at the table.

Alex broke the awkward silence. "Great food Kate!" He praised her.

Jodi and Stevie nodded in agreement and Kate beamed.

"Thanks for cooking." Stevie told her

"Kate likes cooking. ' Jodi answered.

"Well someone had to cook." Kate replied coldly.

"Thanks for all your hard work today." Stevie said. She would apologise properly later, when Alex was gone, but for now she had to say something.

"No problem." Jodi answered

Kate added "And just so you know Stevie, the fences were checked. Thoroughly. Twice. But we could check them again after dinner if you like?"

Jodi kicked Kate under the table.

Stevie was glad for Kate's anger and sarcasm. That she could deal with. She preferred it to the pity she was receiving from Alex and Jodi.

There was no further conversation that night at dinner, aside from Alex asking for more lasagna, and Stevie offering to do the dishes.

"I'll help you." Alex spoke.

Ordinarily the thought of it would have pleased her. But not tonight.

Kate and Jodi took off leaving Stevie and Alex alone.

"I'll finish the dishes. You should head home, It's getting late." She told him

"I just wanted to make sure you were ok." He replied.

That was very gracious of him considering the way she had treated him earlier.

"I'm sorry…" She began to apologise for her angry outburst.

"Don't." He interrupted her placing his finger over her lips "It's ok." Time seemed to stand still, until he broke the spell by speaking again "I'll wash and you dry."

She nodded and set to work drying the dishes, smiling to herself at that feeling of his fingers touching her lips.

He stopped suddenly halfway through the pile of dishes. "I brought you something." He offered the torn pieces of paper to her.

She snatched it from him angrily without a word.

"It's from your father." He continued.

"Thanks Alex. I learned to read in kindergarten. And what are you doing reading my mail?!" All trace of her smile now gone.

"You threw it at me" He answered defensively. _Well, threw it to the ground right next to me. _He thought.

She sighed.

"So you gonna call?" He asked.

"What's it to you?" She regretted the harsh tones of her voice when she saw the crushed look on his face.

"Sorry" He mumbled. "I just thought you might like a mate to talk to."

"Alex, I'm sorry" She was losing track of the number of times she had apologised in one day.

"It's ok" He said tenderly "If you don't want to talk about it, that's fine."

"Why should I call him?" Stevie blurted out suddenly "He can call me if he wants to talk to me. But he's too gutless for that. So he writes, and expects me to pick up the phone and call him!"

"Maybe he thinks you'd hang up on him?" Alex offered

"Well he'd be right about that!"

"He is your father. It might be important."

"Whose side are you on?!" She asked. She noticed his face once again fall. Why were her words hurting him so much tonight?

"You know I'm on your side." He said firmly, upset that she would ever doubt that. "If you don't want to call him, that's up to you. "

"I don't."

"Why?" He asked softly

She looked to him silently with no words to explain.

He continued "I mean, you were just telling me about your mum. And maybe this is a chance.."

"A chance for what?" She interrupted. " For them to say sorry, they changed their minds, they want me to be their daughter again, they want to welcome me home with open arms? I don't think so."

"A chance for you to find some peace." he finished.

He took her by the hand and led her to the veranda, leaving the dishes forgotten in the kitchen sink.

"Tell me about him." Alex said

"Nothing to tell. It's the same story that I told you about my mother. He kicked me out of home when I was 15 and I haven't spoken to him since."

"Will you tell me something about him before that?" Alex asked.

Stevie smiled, almost, as her gaze drifted off into the distance.

"He was the kind of father that all my friends were jealous of. I was definitely Daddy's little girl. He taught me to ride. On the weekends we'd go camping. Every night he read stories to me as I fell asleep. He came to all my school concerts, all my riding competitions. He treated me as if the world revolved around me. And I was never scared. Of anything. Because I always knew I'd have someone at my side, I always knew he would keep me safe."

After a moment of silence he spoke "You still have someone walking beside you who will keep you safe." The words left his lips without much thought. Instantly he wondered if they sounded as crazy to him as they did to her.

But she didn't laugh. Se turned her head and looked straight into his eyes, seeking to find where those words had come from. Did he mean that? His eyes were loving and sincere, and she smiled at him as he put his arm around her. She sat content for a moment in his embrace, wondering to herself if he was just being a mate, or something more than that?

"Its late." She said

"You want me to go?" He asked

"No." She whispered. _I don't ever want you to go_ She thought.


	7. Chapter 7

**8 months later**

Rose walked along the street holding Charlotte's hand. Shortly after her grandfather's death, Peter, Michelle, Rose and Charlotte had moved to Peter's house in Gungellan. Rose hated it. Aside from leaving her old friends and her school behind, there was absolutely positively nothing to do in this town. The highlight of her week was this- taking a three year old girl to get an ice cream at the local shops.

Charlotte chatted on and on about nothing and Rose tried to ignore her. She had already told the girl shut up, but Charlotte didn't seem to get the hint. She also told Charlotte she didn't have to hold onto her hand the entire time they were out- only when they were crossing the street. Not that there were any cars around in the middle of the day anyway. The town was dead. But Charlotte held on for dear life with her chubby three year old fingers.

Every now and then Rose looked down to the little girl, feeling sorry for them both. She decided just because she was miserable was no reason to make Charlotte miserable too. Rose wished she was three again, and a chocolate ice cream would fix all her troubles. So she tried to smile and nod at Charlotte's persistent chatter. As they neared the shop Charlotte stopped dead in her tracks. Rose tried to pull the girl inside to get her ice cream.

Charlotte squealed in delight and pulled her hand away from Rose. Rose called out after Charlotte as she ran down the street. Even though she had been trying to get herself unattached from the kid all day, somehow she felt so lonely to be left standing on the sidewalk without Charlotte by her side. Rose started to head after Charlotte, wondering if Peter would be terribly upset if Charlotte got lost and Rose came home without her.

Rose stopped dead in her tracks as she saw Charlotte running into Stevie's arms. Rose knew Stevie lived not far from here, but was hoping that Stevie would stay on her little farm and that Rose wouldn't have to run into her often. Stevie smiled as she picked Charlotte up, and Charlotte began telling Stevie the thousand and one useless things that she had told Rose on the way to the shops.

The sight before her eyes somehow bothered Rose. And it wasn't just that she was angry at Stevie and wanted to throw a rock at her. She wanted Stevie to suffer the way she made her grandfather suffer. How could Stevie stand there and smile when her father was dead, when she could have saved him?

But something else bothered Rose. Charlotte might be annoying, but she was the only person Rose really had. And it stirred a jealousy in her to see Charlotte so happy to see someone else. Rose was supposed to be the one that Charlotte ran to and chatted away to, Rose was the one who made her face light up, who took her to get ice cream, who read stories to her at night, taught her to blow up balloons.

"Char, we gotta go." Rose said firmly to the little girl, causing both Stevie and Charlotte to look up surprised.

Rose couldn't help but notice Stevie's smile get even brighter when she noticed Rose. _Why is she so happy to see me?_ Rose wondered. _She doesn't care about any of us. No me, not mum, not grandma and grandpa. _

"Rose! Its so good to see you!" Stevie exclaimed and took a step towards Rose. Rose turned her gaze back to Charlotte who was now standing with her arms wrapped around Stevie's leg.

"Char come on." Rose repeated, grabbing Charlotte's hand and pulling her away.

"Rosie!" The little girl complained "I want to stay with Stevie."

Rose ignored Charlotte's protests and pulled her along down the road.

Stevie followed after them for a bit.

"Rose, what's wrong Rose?" Stevie asked.

Rose tried to ignore her, but eventually she couldn't stand it. She stopped and turned to face Stevie, wrapping her arms protectively around Charlotte "Leave us alone!" Rose screamed.

Stevie stood stunned as she watched Rose and Charlotte hurry away down the street.

Rose tried to hold on to Charlotte's hand but Charlotte folded her arms and sulked all the way home.

"I'm not holding your hand any more Rosie." Charlotte announced.

"See if I care." Rose replied, not really paying attention to Charlotte, but thinking about Stevie.

"It's not fair Rosie!" Charlotte yelled. "I want to talk to Aunty Stevie!"

"Life's not fair Char, and she's not even you aunty!" Rose replied, thinking that she wished right at this moment that Stevie wasn't her aunty either. She wished that just like her grandparents she could pretend Stevie never existed as part of the family.

"I didn't even get my ice cream!" Charlotte added. "I hate you Rosie."

"Big deal." Rose replied, but she was somehow upset that even Charlotte had turned on her.

When the girls arrived home, Charlotte forgot all about Stevie and her ice cream as she saw that Peter had taken the Christmas tree out ready to decorate. For Rose it was the first Christmas after her grandfathers death. And the first Christmas living with Peter and his kids. It was a hard enough time for her. Even before Michelle and Peter made their dreaded announcement.

Natalie and Alana were spending Christmas with their mother. That was no surprise and no bad news as far as Rose was concerned. Charlotte's aunty Tess was coming back from South America and Charlotte was going to spend Christmas with her. Rose thought it odd to ship the kid off to her Aunt's place on Christmas. But Peter explained that Charlotte used to live with Tess, and that Charlottes mother wanted Charlotte to spend time with Tess, and that Tess would only be in Australia for a week.

The little girl seemed sad. It was only natural she'd want to be with her dad on Christmas. And maybe she even missed Natalie, Alana and Julia a bit. But then Charlotte started talking about horses and sheep and 'Uncle Alex'. Rose still hadn't quite figured out how Alex was Charlotte's uncle.

_"Is Alex your brother?" Rose asked Peter one day. _

"Definitely not." Peter answered

"Claire's brother?" Rose asked

"No."

Rose shook her head, deciding she didn't really care about Charlotte's uncle. Rose decided it wouldn't be much of a fun Christmas for her stuck with the newlyweds. Her grandmother had gone to England to stay with some friends. Her father was in Tasmania. Her grandfather was dead. Little did Rose know it was going to get a whole lot worse.

"Well Rose, the good news is that you are going with Charlotte too" Michelle announced.

Charlotte began clapping her hands and cheering. Despite the fact that ten minutes ago she had announced that she would hate Rose forever.

"What?" Rose asked certain she had misheard.

"We thought it would be nice for you to spend the holidays with your sister." Peter explained.

"She ain't my sister and why would I want to spend the holidays with her stinking old aunty from South America?" Rose asked, genuinely confused by this strange plan.

"Well you know Tess lives at Drovers Run, and I thought you'd like to spend the holidays with your Aunty Stevie" Michelle suggested .

"Yeah well I wouldn't!" Rose answered, not able to think of a worse place she'd rather go.

"Well I'm not going either, I'm staying with Rosie." Charlotte announced as she clung to Rose.

"You don't have a choice Charlotte Prudence." Peter said harshly. Then added more gently "Your Aunty Tess will be very sad if you don't visit."

"Well she shouldn't have moved to Argentina then!" Charlotte declared and Rose couldn't help but smile.

"You don't have a choice either Rose." Michelle added. Aside from the fact that Michelle was looking forward to some private time with her new husband, she had promised Stevie that Rose could spend some time at Drovers Run now that they were living in Gungellan.

"But mum…" Rose began. But the words got stuck in her throat. How could she explain to her mother that Stevie could have saved her grandfather but let him die? How could she convince her mother that her grandparents had been right to cut Stevie out of their life?

Rose looked over to Peter and Michelle, realising they weren't going to change their minds. At that moment she hated Michelle and Peter so much she decided Drovers Run might not be so bad, It was a big place. She'd ride, and look after Charlotte, and listen to boring stories about South America and maybe she'd never even have to see Stevie.


	8. Chapter 8

That morning Kate woke early. She had always been an early morning person. It had been harder to convince Jodi to get up so early. Kate was hoping if they got going early enough they could avoid another run in with Stevie. This was in the back of her mind as she and Jodi crept into the kitchen to grab some breakfast. Kate noticed the half finished dishes in the kitchen sink and added it to her list of things she was angry at Stevie for. Would it have been too much to ask her to at least wash the dishes?

As they left the house both girls stood stunned to notice the sight before them, Stevie and Alex both fast asleep on the vernadah in one another's arms. The girls looked at one another, then shrugged and headed out to the north paddock, leaving the content couple undisturbed.

Alex woke first, taking a moment to orient himself to his surroundings, and realise he must have fallen asleep on the verandah at Drovers. He thought of waking Stevie but feeling her in his arms was too good. He gently kissed the top of her head and closed his eyes wishing the moment would last forever.

As she woke she looked to him surprised, almost embarrassed, and completely lost for words.

"Morning" He greeted her. "Guess we fell asleep."

She squinted her eyes looking around. "Yeah I guess so" She replied, seeming somewhat uncomfortable.

"Any chance of breakfast?" He asked hopefully

All she wanted was to be away from him. So that she could think. So she could remember his words as she closed her eyes and tried to re-live everything about being in his arms. She tried not to imagine that she must look a mess. She ran her fingers through her hair nervously trying to tidy it. But she couldn't refuse him breakfast, not when he had been so sweet.

"Sure. Come on inside" She said smiling at him, collecting herself.

She busied herself cooking for him as he sat watching her. Silence. Uncomfortable silence.

"Thanks." he mumbled between a mouthful of food. "You missed your calling."

She simply laughed nervously, unable to compose a reply. Finally she spoke. "Thanks. For last night. You're a good friend Alex."

"Anytime. Have you thought any more about it?" He asked.

She was lost for a moment. Thought about what? The only thing she thought about was him, waking up in his arms.

"Your dad. Calling him. You know you have to do it. Or you'll wonder about it forever. And what's the worst that can happen? He cant hurt you now."

"Yeah" She agreed. She wouldn't stop thinking about it. And what could it hurt? How could he reject her or hurt her more than he already had?

"Great. Well, there's the phone." Alex told her.

"It's early." She replied quickly turning her head away from his gaze.

"So what?" Alex asked.

"My father's not a morning person." She answered. Just saying those words 'my father' brought back far too many memories she would rather forget.

"You're got a hundred excuses haven't you? It's too early, its too late, its too cold, its too sunny…" Alex declared.

"Alright." She cut him off. "I just need to think about it. To plan what I want to say." She explained.

"Ok. I guess I better get to work" He agreed. " But I wont stop bugging you til you've done it."

"Ok" She smiled at him, thinking to herself that it wouldn't be so bad if he never stopped bugging her.

Alex stood for a moment, as if he was uncertain what move to make next.

"Well, let me know how it goes, if you want to." Alex said.

"Sure." She replied.

Then he smiled and picked up his hat, and headed out the door.

**8 months later...**

Stevie arrived home to Drovers Run. She ignored Jodi and Kate as they shouted something to her about checking the mail. She kept walking, thinking of Rose. Rose spoke so harshly to her. Wouldn't even look her in the eye. And the way she snatched Charlotte away as if Stevie would have hurt the little girl. Why? Stevie tried to cast her mind back to Rose's last visit to Drovers Run. It had gone so well. Stevie had been the '_world's best aunty'_. What happened between now and then? How long was it since Rose had called or written? Stevie should know what was bothering her own daughter. Rose reminded her of herself. So stubborn, so angry. Pushing the issue would have been pointless, especially in front of Charlotte. Screaming at two kids in the middle of the main street wouldn not have been a good look.

Stevie decided to calm herself by chopping firewood. There was something so comforting about swinging an axe. She hadn't even heard Regan come up behind her. Stevie wasn't sure what to make of Regan. Regan had arrived to visit Tess weeks ago, only to learn that Tess was in Argentina. And for some bizarre reason Regan had stayed on. Stevie had hit it off with Regan when they first met, but that was before Regan tried to destroy the property and then disappeared. Now she was back.

"Hey what are you doing?" Regan asked her.

Stevie thought this was a stupid question, what did it look like she was doing? "Believe it or not I'm baking a cake" Stevie answered.

"You're chopping wood." Regan observed, not the least bit put off by Stevie's sarcastic tone.

"Brilliant observation." Stevie replied. "Why do you bother asking?" She was being unnecessarily harsh but she didn't much care. Stevie wanted to tell her to get lost. At least Jodi and Kate had the sense to stay out of her way when she was in a mood like this.

"It's December. Why are you chopping fire wood?" Regan asked confused.

Stevie threw the axe to the ground frustrated. "Oh well you'd know all about farm life I suppose." Stevie shot back. Truthfully there was no reason to be chopping the wood but she wasn't about to admit that to Regan.

"I know its December and we don't need any firewood." Regan replied calmly. "Did you see Alex?" Regan asked her gently

Alex. Stevie hadn't seen him in weeks. Just when she thought they had been building something. A future. A life. Like most things in her life it all came crashing around her in ruins. It served her right for being foolish enough to believe in that happy ending.

"No" Stevie replied "Why would you think I've seen Alex?"

"You seem upset." Regan observed, as if she naturally concluded that would have something to do with Alex.

The last person Stevie wanted to talk about was Alex. She stopped for a moment, thinking that it should be him here talking with her, not Regan. Alex should be here, and she would tell him about her confrontation with Rose. And Alex would say and do the exact right thing to make her feel better. He must have been so sick of it, Stevie decided, sick of always being her rock. It's just that he was so damn good at it.

"Wanna talk?" Regan asked her.

"No." Stevie replied coldly. "I want to chop wood."

"Are you sure?" Regan asked.

Although Stevie didn't understand why Regan kept persisting with it, she did finally give in and decide to talk.

"It's Rose." She spoke quietly.

"Rose?" Regan asked confused, and Stevie realised Regan didn't even know who Rose was.

"My daughter" Stevie replied, smiling at those words "_my daughter_" and began to tell Regan the story, finishing with Rose's angry outburst that day.

Regan listened patiently, not saying much herself. She finally tried some comforting words, explaining that Rose was just a teenager and would probably forget all about it by tomorrow. Stevie nodded politely.

As grateful as she was for someone to talk to, she couldn't help but wish it was Alex. She couldn't help but wish he still belonged to her. With that thought in mind she knew she had to see him.

"Thanks for the chat. I've got to go into town for a bit." Stevie said over her shoulder as she was walking away.

"You just got back from town" Regan protested, but Stevie hadn't heard.


	9. Chapter 9

"Are you happy?" The old man asked.

Stevie looked to that man. The man she hardly recognised. The man who was her father. She began to wonder why she had agreed to even meet with him. He seemed as uncomfortable as she was.

_How dare he ask if I'm happy?_ She thought. _After all this time how dare he ask me that? _Still, she considered his question and silently in her head answered '_yes_'. She had Drovers, her friends, Alex. But then there was Rose. That constant ache of being separated from her chid. She didn't expect him to understand this, not a man who had abandoned his own child without remorse. So she remained silent, not answering his question. Waiting to hear the real reason he had insisted on this meeting. She was sure it wasn't to ask her if she was happy.

"Is that your husband?" He spoke again, motioning to Alex. Stevie turned to look at Alex, standing far off in the distance. She had told him to wait in the car, but it didn't surprise her that he didn't listen. And he stood watching. Far enough away not to hear anything. Far enough away that she couldn't really see the look on his face. But close enough to know that he was watching them. Just to see him there gave her strength, and she turned back to face her father. She didn't answer his question. But at the thought of Alex being her husband she smiled momentarily.

Her father took that to mean yes. "Have you children ?" He continued trying to engage her in conversation.

This time she answered quickly. "A daughter. Rose."

"Yes." he answered sadly, realising he had said the wrong thing. How could he have asked her that question. It was all about Rose. This whole mess. But it was still so hard for him to realise Rose was Stevie's daughter. It was something he had not accepted even after 15 years. Rose was always Michelle's daughter as far as he was concerned.

"Rose is very precious." He quietly spoke.

"Yes she is." Stevie agreed. At the mention of Rose Stevie was unable to remain silent. "Rose is my daughter. My daughter who I gave away like you gave away your daughter. Rose who I loved and cry for every night as I fall asleep, Rose who you took away from me. You kicked me out but took her into your hearts to take my place. You threw me out of your life, but also out of hers. You might not consider me your daughter any longer, but Rose is my daughter. Rose will always be my daughter. I wont abandon her the way you abandoned me."

"I love her very much. I love you very much." The old man spoke, convicted by her accusations. He had turned his back on his own child, that much was true. He looked and saw his little girl all grown up. The child he loved and cared for and then thrown away. The child that he tried to forget. The child he tried to close his eyes at night and not to think of.

"I'm glad you love Rose. I'm glad for her that she is accepted and loved and has a family to come home to. I'm glad you didn't treat her the way you treated me." Stevie told him. Suddenly 15 years of things she had longed to say started coming to the surface. But all of her anger aside, that family life is something she had wanted to give to Rose. It's why she walked away, to give that kind of life to Rose. That her father loved and accepted Rose did make her happy. She only wished that he had treated her with as much love and acceptance as he did Rose.

"I regret a lot of things Stephanie." He spoke again.

"What do you want from me now?" She asked, eager to get to the bottom of this meeting. His regret changed nothing.

He thought for a moment. About his request. About the reason he had contacted her. He looked into her eyes and thought about the day she had been born. The first time he held her. The first time she looked up to him and called him daddy, about those chubby little hands around his neck as he held her tightly, that cheeky little grin, the way her eyes lit up when she smiled.

He thought of that day she stood before him in tears and told them she was pregnant. The day she looked to him so desperately, so afraid, needing him more than ever before. And he turned his back.

Since his day he lived in some kind of delusion, that if he just pretended the whole mess didn't exist, then somehow it would be ok. He hadn't wanted to let himself think about Stephanie, about how he had hurt his daughter so deeply. He banished her from his mind as if she never existed. But she was right, Rose had filled that void nicely. Only now faced with his own mortality had he stopped to think twice about any of it.

Suddenly 15 years of regret, guilt, and pain hit him like a tonne of bricks. And there was nothing he could do to make it right, nothing he could to heal her pain, nothing he could do to atone for those mistakes. He was powerless. Helpless. Guilty.

He had turned his back years ago with no remorse. But standing here today, he was unable to hurt her anymore than he had already. He was unable to ask anything of her. How can he ask anything from this child who he has done so much wrong by? The only thing right to ask for is forgiveness.

"I wanted to tell you-I was wrong. Very wrong Stephanie. And I'm sorry." He said sincerely.

She nodded. "Well I hope that will ease your conscience." She told him, she still so angry. Did he expect her to just forgive him? To just tell him it was ok, that none of it mattered. It did matter. And he couldn't change any of it. He couldn't fix it or take away all those lonely painful years. For many years she had longed to hear him say that he was sorry. But now it just didn't seem to make a difference. It might make him feel better to say it, but it did nothing for her. She turned her back, realising it was a mistake to come here. Nothing good can come from this now. It would have been better to leave things of the past alone and untouched.

"Stephy" He called to her as she had turned her back, and involuntarily she swung around to face him, caught off guard by hearing her childhood nick name.

"I love you." He said simply. "I have behaved very badly. The things I have done are unforgivable. I can't change them. I cant fix them. But I am sorry, and I want you to know I love you."

He could see in her eyes that those words meant something to her. Even after everything he had done, his love meant something to her. So he wanted to leave her with that gift. He could expect no hugs and kisses, no joyous reunion, no forgiveness, but that flicker of light in her eyes when he told her that he loved her, that would have to be enough. For them both.

There was nothing more he could say. Nothing more he could give to her. Nothing more he could ask of her. It wouldn't not have been right to ask her to be tested for the transplant. Suddenly, many things fell into place. Suddenly he saw so clearly the damage he had done. How wrong he had been. How differently he would have done things if he had a second chance. Suddenly he saw that some things were more important than his very life. That this chance to make things right with his daughter was one of those things. It was only a small gift to give her, telling her how much he loved her. So small compared to everything he had taken from her. But he was determined to give her that if nothing else. Determined that she would at least have no doubt that he had loved her. He wouldn't take that away from her too by revealing the real reason he had contacted her after 15 years. So once more he told her "I love you." before he turned and walked away, leaving her speechless.

Alex and Stevie drove home mostly in silence. Alex looked to her occasionally, expecting something. Tears, anger, some sort of sign that the meeting had affected her in some way. And after driving all this way with her, Alex was sort of expecting that she would have told him all about what her father said to her. But she sat quietly, gazing out the window. She tried hard to put up a wall around herself and shut herself inside. Feelings that she had buried 15 years ago had been exposed today, and she tried to hard to hide them back in the deepest part of her mind, never to be uncovered again. It was a mistake to come here. A mistake to think about the past.

Alex asked a few times what had happened, to which she replied 'Nothing.'

Clearly frustrated he asked again. And again. Thinking that she should know by now that she can trust him, that she can talk to him. Why was she keeping things from him now?

Finally she replied "Please stop asking me that. I can't talk about this with you."

"Why?" He asked confused. Wasn't he her best mate? Wasn't he the one that she talked to about everything? Wasn't he the one who convinced her to call her father in the first place? Wasn't he the one who drove her all this way to go and see him?

"Because you're a man." She replied, not really thinking about that answer. She just wanted him to be quiet. To leave her alone. She had no answer for 'why' and so said the first thing that came to her mind.

"I'm nothing like him." Alex said defensively.

_You're exactly like him_, Stevie thought. _So strong. So very close to my heart that you could break it into pieces with just one word, just one look, without even really trying._

"Don't ask me anymore." She said again.

"Fine." He answered. And the rest of the journey was in silence.


	10. Chapter 10

The drive home from the visit to Stevie's father continued in silence. Stevie could have shut her eyes the whole way and it wouldn't have bothered her. It was Alex that finally couldn't take it. She'd successfully shut him up for about 5 minutes, but she knew it wouldn't last. It wouldn't take long for her to crack, and he knew it. If he kept chipping away he'd get what he wanted. That thought annoyed her, so she fought harder to keep him out.

Finally he pulled the car up in the middle of nowhere. She was determined not to speak, but after a few minutes it got the better of her. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Out of petrol" he replied.

She leaned over him to the petrol gauge. "We are not." she answered, annoyed.

"Well that gauge is faulty. Been meaning to fix it for ages." he announced.

"Right then." She said as she got out of the car to get the spare petrol can from the back.

"Where are you going?" He asked

"To fill the car up with petrol." She replied.

"Wait. Don't bother." He said as he too got out of the car and walked up behind her. "You're right, there is plenty of petrol."

"What is your problem then?" She asked him turning around to face him.

"My problem?" He asked. "What's your problem? You hardly said two words to me since you got in the car. What have I done?"

"You haven't done anything. The world doesn't revolve around you Alex." She told him looking up into his eyes.

"Of course it does!" He replied and she looked away from him to hide her smile. Only Alex could make her smile on a night like tonight.

"Come on Stevie, just talk to me, I cant stand all this silence."

"Alex please just take me home." She asked him.

"No." he answered.

"Fine, I'll walk." She announced as she headed off along the road.

"Come on Stevie, you're being ridiculous." He said as he caught up with her.

"I'm being ridiculous?" She asked. "Just take us home Alex."

"Please, just talk to me." He begged her.

"I don't own you any explanations."

"No you don't." He agreed. "I just thought you might like someone to talk to, and maybe that someone could be me, I thought we were friends."

"We are." She agreed slowing her pace.

"I thought you knew by now that you can trust me." He added

"I do." She answered, beginning to panic, he was fast wearing her down.

"Its ok, just tell me what happened." He said as he took her hand.

"Nothing happened." She told him plainly.

"Don't lie to me." He said firmly.

"You're calling me a liar?" She asked, taking her hand away from his grasp.

Alex sighed, this wasn't going as easily as he had hoped. "Don't change the subject." He told her. "I can see you're upset about the meeting with your father. It's ok."

"I'm not upset, I'm angry, with you. Take us home and stop being stupid." She told him, looking down towards the ground.

"I'm not the enemy here. I'd never do anything to hurt you, Don't you know that?"

"You're hurting me now, just drop the subject and take me home."

"Fine I give up" Alex exclaimed. "Lets go home."

"Good" She answered, although her heart sank as she heard that he'd given up so easily. She felt bad for the disappointment in his eyes also. "We should never have come here anyway." she added quietly as she headed back to the car.

"Was it that bad?" he asked gently, not quite ready to give up on his questioning.

"No." She answered truthfully. "Just pointless."

"I'm sorry."

"It doesn't matter." She told him shaking her head.

"Stop it please. Stop pretending it doesn't matter, I can see it got to you. It's ok that he upset you."

"He didn't upset me, he's just a stupid old man who never thought twice about me." Stevie said.

"So what did he want?" Alex asked.

"I don't really know." She replied.

"What did he say?" Alex tried a different question.

"A whole lot of useless stuff, that he was sorry, that he loves me. I guess it made him feel better to say it." She answered finally.

"And you? How did that make you feel?"

She shrugged "It's just empty words, It doesn't change anything."

"You're right. It doesn't change anything. It doesn't change the fact that you have a real life for yourself. You have your job at Drovers, your friends, me."

She turned to look at him in the moonlight.

"You know how I feel about you don't you?" He asked, his hands caressing her face.

"And how exactly do you feel?" She asked. She was fairly certain of the answer, but longed to see him prove it.

"I've wanted to tell you for a long time now. I love you Stevie. More than anything. More than mates. Ever since that kiss on the road side I've loved you."

Looking up into his eyes she could have no doubt that he meant it. The words brought joy to her heart, but even they weren't enough to extinguish the doubt and fears in her mind. How could he love her? How could anyone love her when her own family threw her away like a piece of rubbish?

"And you?" He asked "How do you feel about me?" Worried that he had risked their friendship with his declaration.

"Do you even have to ask me?" She said. She was well aware that he must have noticed the way she looked at him, they way she melted when she was in his arms.

She leaned forward to kiss him in answer to his question. And as their lips met all her doubts and fears melted away.

"Alex you're the only man I've ever loved." She mumbled as she broke gently away from the kiss and looked into his eyes.

"You're so precious to me" He told her. "I promise you I'm going to spend the rest of my life making you happy. I'll always keep you safe." He added as he held her close, running his fingers through her hair.

For a long time she stood still in his embrace, never feeling so loved as she did in that moment. Eventually she looked up into his eyes with tears in her own eyes, and no words to reply to him. He gently brushed the tears away.

"Don't cry. Everything will be ok."

She nodded, then leaned forward to kiss him. "Make love to me Alex." She whispered in his ear.

"Here?" He asked looking around the deserted roadside? "Now?"

She nodded "Yes, here and now. Just you and me under the stars." she insisted, and she didn't have to ask him twice.


	11. Chapter 11

**8 months later...**

Rose angrily packed her bags for Christmas vacation at Drovers Run.

"What's the matter Rosie?" Her young step sister asked.

"Nothing." Rosie mumbled.

"Why are you so mad at Aunty Stevie?" Charlotte asked, genuinely curious. Rose always seemed to like Aunty Stevie. And who wouldn't like her? She was the best.

"I'm not." Rose answered bitterly, not wanting to discuss the matter with a young child.

"Yes you are." Charlotte replied, not the least bit put off by the unfriendly tone in Rose's voice.

"You wouldn't understand." Rose replied.

"I would too." Charlotte protested. "You're not the smartest one in the world Rose Hall."

"She isn't such a great person Char." Rose softened, she should probably warn the kid that Stevie wasn't so great. It would be better to hear it now than years from now.

"Yes she is." Charlotte answered certainly.

"She might seem like a good person, but she did a bad bad thing." Rose explained.

"We all do bad things, even you Rose." Charlotte answered. "And maybe she is sorry."

"Well this was an extremely bad thing." Rose answered. "And she isn't sorry."

"What was it?" Charlotte asked

"She killed someone." Rose answered

"Who?" Charlotte asked in horror.

"Her father, my grandfather." Rose said quietly.

"Your Grandpa was very sick Rosie" Charlotte reminded her.

"Yes he was very sick. And Stevie could have saved him. But she didn't want to."

"How could she have saved him? She's not the Dr." Charlotte answered.

"Its complicated. You wouldn't understand." Rose said again.

"I would too." Charlotte insisted.

"Well he needed some of her bone marrow." Rose tried to explain, realising it was pointless."

"What's that?" Charlotte asked.

"I told you that you wouldn't understand." Rose rolled her eyes "Well its something you need to make all your blood cells healthy ok, and if it doesn't work proper then you die."

"Oh." Charlotte nodded.

"And Grandpa's bone marrow wasn't working properly, and that's what made him really sick. He needed to borrow some of Stevie's bone marrow, just a little bit. But she wouldn't let him have it. And so he died." Rose explained.

"Why wouldn't she give it?" Charlotte asked

"Because she hates him." Rose explained. "She never visited him not as long as I can remember."

Rose continued on packing her bags angrily as Charlotte sat pondering the story Rose had told her.

Stevie rode quickly over to Killarney, without giving a second glance over her shoulder to Regan standing stunned at the wood pile. It was a well ridden track she could have taken with her eyes closed. Many times she had ridden this path to see Alex, or he to see her. But that was before. As she neared the homestead she paused momentarily. Her heart was torn between that need to see him, and the need to preserve whatever last remaining shred of dignity she had left.

Words from their last conversations flashed before her mind.

_"Alex I 'm sorry." She had told him, tears streaming down her cheeks. _

"You're always sorry." He pointed out wearily. "Look Stevie, I've really had enough. I cant live like this." He didn't say it coldly, it would have been better if he had. He had tears in his eyes also, and that made her feel all the more guilty.

She'd never been one to go begging for the attention of a man. But she'd never met a man she felt like this about. She hadn't wanted to let him into her heart. But he kept pushing and pushing.  
_  
"I cant believe you, how could you do that to me?!" She had screamed hysterically at him, hitting him across the chest. It would have angered her from anyone, but especially from the man she trusted. From Alex. _

"I did it for you, because I love you!" He insisted as he grabbed her wrists and held her still.

"You've got a funny way of showing it!" She yelled as she pulled her arms free from his grasp.

He was the one who told her over and over that he loved her, that she could trust him, that he would never leave her. And she relented. She let the walls of her heart down. She gave herself to him. And he smashed her heart to pieces and threw it back in her face

_"You're the one who did this!" He threw back at her. Her face fell, and he felt guilty. "I just don't understand." He said so softly, almost whispering. _

"What's so hard to understand?" She whispered back. She thought he knew her, knew inside her heart, knew everything about her. She thought he understood her. Looking into his eyes she saw he truly didn't get it. And there seemed no way to go from that point.

Stevie sat under a tree watching the old homestead. Wondering what he would say to her if he opened the door and found her sitting there? Would he slam the door in her face? She didn't want to risk it. It seemed so long since she'd seen him. And every part of her ached for him. Why had she let him get so close? She didn't blame him. She knew it would turn out like this. She should have known better than to get so involved.

_"We can work something out Alex." Stevie had pleaded with him. _

"No I don't think so Stevie, not this time." He replied.

_"Yes we can , if you want to." She insisted, looking up into his eyes she realised for the first time that he didn't want to. It just wasn't worth it to him. She wasn't worth it. And it stung her_.

Stevie sat looking down at her hands. She knew it was wrong to come here. To come to him when something went wrong in her life. If she loved him she wouldn't come to him just to dump her problems. But hadn't he been the one who told her he would always be there for her if she needed him? And wasn't she the one who had been there for him after Claire died? Isn't that what friends were for? Didn't he care anymore? Didn't he even care that she sat here only meters from his home needing him so desperately?

_"You're just giving up on us?" Stevie had asked in disbelief. _

"There is no 'us'. We are nothing." he answered coldly.

"Alex, please, don't give up on us."

"You're the one who gave up cowgirl." He replied calmly.

She thought for a moment of knocking on the door and asking him for some farm equipment. She wouldn't mention the fight with Rose, or anything else. She'd just act like it was all business and take it from there. Just seeing him, talking to him, that would be enough to calm her.

_Defeated, she turned to walk away. _

"Where the hell are you going?" Alex demanded.

"I guess we're finished here." She said sadly.

"No. We're far from finished here." He insisted as he shut the door behind her, preventing her from walking out.

Sitting under that tree she knew she had no courage to go and knock on that door. Over and over she heard him telling her to go home. And yet she sat frozen, unable to obey his commands. He wasn't interested in what she had to say that day, he wouldn't be interested now. He didn't want to hear from her, didn't want to see her. She was nothing to him now. But still he was her everything.

_"How could you be so stupid!?" He had yelled, genuinely confused as to what had been going through her mind at the time. _

"Like you're never done anything stupid and reckless in your whole life?" She answered back defensively, and if he had any sense he would have ended the conversation there. They were both way too worked up. And things would get said. Things they didn't mean, and couldn't take back .

Alex stood on the veranda of Killarney. Like most days, it didn't matter how hard he worked to occupy his time, his thoughts always found their way back to Stevie. Back to that day that had changed everything for them. That day he never imagined would come. The day it ended. He tried hard to remember if she'd run away that day, or was it him who pushed her away ? It didn't seem to matter much now. Spoken words haunted his every waking moment, and he played them over and over in his head trying to make some sense of them, trying to find a solution. A way back to Stevie.

F_or once, she took a deep breath. Seeing that look on his face had scared her. She hadn't realised how much it would affect him. "Don't worry, its over now, ok." She tried to comfort him, even in the midst of an argument that instinct to comfort him won out, and she reached her hand towards his face._

He loved her so much. Why couldn't he have told it to her on that night? Things got out of hand very quickly. He was angry, and with good reason. But the reason he was angry was because he loved her, and she just didn't seem to understand that!

_"It could have turned out so differently." He yelled, not the least bit calmed by her soothing tone. He grabbed hold of her hand tightly, afraid she would disappear if he didn't hold on hard enough. _

"It didn't." She answered quietly.

"Well it could have!" He yelled back at her "And you can't even see that, that's what scares me."

Where had things gone so wrong? Surely they could have worked something out. But she was so stubborn. And she wasn't the only one. He tried to let himself be comforted by her words, by the fact that in reality everything was now ok. The crisis was over. But it wasn't so easy for him. Didn't she understand that she was playing with his heart? And he just couldn't give it over to her if she was going to tear it to pieces like that.

_"Believe me Alex, I get it. But it's over. Everything is ok, can't we move on somehow?" _

"Was it that important to you?" He asked quietly.

"Yes." She answered truthfully, not knowing any other answer to give.

Stevie hated herself for riding all this way to Killarney, for sitting under his tree and crying for him when he had already dismissed her as nothing. And yet she wasn't ready to leave. She sat for what seemed like hours. She couldn't distinguish if she was crying for him or crying for Rose. It didn't seem to matter anymore. They had both turned their back on her.

_"More important than me?" Alex asked quietly _

"Alex that's not true. And it isn't fair."

"Fair?" He asked. "No, I guess its not." And with those sad words he walked away.

He had seen her sitting under his tree. He watched her for an hour, just sitting there. He wanted to go to her. Wanted it badly. But something held him back. For almost an hour he stood watching her. It was then she felt his hand on her shoulder, and turned surprised to be looking up into his eyes.


	12. Chapter 12

Stevie was trapped in his eyes. Unable to look away, unable to bear the things she saw in there. Not wanting him to look into her own eyes, not wanting him to see inside her soul. It was too painful to be in that moment, too significant. He was standing before her, her everything. Reaching out to her. So near and yet so far. She couldn't bear it, and sought refuge in the past. She closed her eyes briefly and found herself in another time, another place, another tree.

_Stevie sat outside the cottage, still dressed for the B&S ball. She hadn't bothered to change. She smiled even though the night hadn't gone as planned. Maybe it hadn't worked out with the opals, they never even made it to the stupid dance. But somehow she had peace. And dancing in the moonlight on the road side seemed better to her than any ball could have been. She looked over to the cottage. It was all coming together now. The life she had planned for Rose. The dream she had waited so long for. Tess and the girls said they would help her move tomorrow but she didn't want to spend one more night at the eternal slumber party. She wanted to be home. She sat under a tree outside her home. Completely oblivious to everything she cried tears of hope and joy. As she sat that night, she was startled to feel his hand reach down to her shoulder. _

And now that same man stood, placing his shaking hand on her shoulder gently. Touching her like he would touch a stranger. But he wasn't a stranger. It was still him. Undeniably him. His shaking hand on her trembling shoulder. But his eyes were not his eyes. They were cold and distant eyes, shattered eyes. Had she done that to him? He sat beside her silently. Her hand twitched involuntarily. She longed desperately for his touch. Just for him to take her hand. That's all, that wasn't so much to ask. His strong but gentle hand to take her own hand, just for one minute in time. Clumsily he sat, as if his legs wouldn't hold him any longer, and she looked down to the ground.

_He took her hand and helped her to her feet. She turned and looked up into his eyes and he wiped the tears from hers gently, lovingly._

"You're crying." He observed.

"_Because I'm happy." She told him with a nervous smile on her face. She could see he didn't get it as he looked down to her, concerned._

She reached up and gently fingered the gash on his forehead. He flinched at her touch, and she pulled away.

"No don't stop." He mumbled, his eyes searching deep into her soul. 

It was those same eyes that killed her today. She didn't want to see them. But it was irresistible, she turned her head up to face him finally as he sat opposite her, watching her. She wanted to look away, wanted to desperately but couldn't. He wouldn't speak to her, so she had to read it all in his eyes. Usually his eyes sang to her. But today they whispered. 'I'm here. I'm not strong enough to help you this time, not steady enough to take your hand, not even able to stand on my own two feet. But I'm here. Always here. Just here. That's all.'

Silently and gently he wiped the tears from her eyes. Before he could stop himself, before he could tell himself he has no right to touch her. It came so natural to him. Just like breathing. Just as natural as the way his touch only caused more tears to fall from her eyes. And he sat not knowing what to do next.

She flinched at his touch and protested "Don't." But even to her own ears it sounded weak and false. Still he would do anything, be anything, and that outweighed all his words, all her own. He asked only one thing of her. The one thing she couldn't give to him. It wasn't hers to give.

He seemed to find some strength in that moment, just from touching her. He extended his hand to her and they stood facing one another. To Stevie it seemed the world was spinning around her, that she would have fallen to the ground if not for the fact she was clutching his hand so tightly. And he just stood. Time stood. The world stood still. And just as quickly as that moment had come, it vanished. She looked away, and the spell was broken. She was alone again, not a part of him. She took a deep breath. What now? Where to go from here. It was then she noticed the car in the drive way.

"New car?" She asked. It seemed an odd thing to say after all they had endured, after all that needed to be said, but she needed to say something. The silence was killing her. As soon as the words were our of her mouth she regretted them. His car was the last thing she wanted to talk about. Ever.

She couldn't help but remember his old car. And the last time they had been inside it. Everything about that moment. The rotten smell as he hasn't cleaned it out for weeks. All the times he had kissed her goodnight. All the times they had sat looking up at the stars talking about the future.

Instantly her head filled with sounds of screaming and smashing glass, and involuntarily her hand reached towards her forehead where she had struck it against the dashboard that night. She felt herself falling back into that moment, and a sharp pain shuddered throughout her head. She closed her eyes and visions of darkness and stillness flashed before here while that screaming sounds filled the silent spaces.

Doubtless similar things were running through his own mind, and as involuntarily as her hand had reached for her head, his hand reached for her own hand and took it in his own. And instantly that pounding ache inside her head vanished. The screaming was silenced, and peace descended. Just for a moment. Why couldn't it be like that all the time?

"Nick's car." He mumbled finally as a reply, not wanting to bring that night into the conversation. He also turning his gaze to the car to avoid her own eyes, he couldn't look into them. But still he stood behind her holding to her hand. Stood so close to her, not wanting to let go, and it seemed to him she didn't want him to.

"Nick's car?" She asked confused for a moment. What was Nick's car doing here when Nick was in Argentina.

"Yeah, he and Tess arrived this morning." Alex told her. "You didn't know?"

"No." she shook her head. Why hadn't she know that. Had she been so distracted?

"It was a surprise thing, sorry thought you'd know by now." He explained.

"Oh" She answered for lack of anything to say. It panicked her hearing that Tess and Nick were around, she wasn't certain why.

"Did you tell them….." She asked not able to or needing to finish the question.

"No." He answered. It wasn't the sort of thing he wanted to discuss with Nick, and would only make things uncomfortable for everyone concerned. Himself most of all.

"Good." She said softly nodding. "I'd rather if you didn't." She said shyly, and he nodded in agreement.

"Have you told them?" he asked her in return.

"Tess and Nick?" she asked "I didn't know they were in town."

"I mean the others, at Drovers."

She didn't answer which he took to mean yes. She suddenly regretted coming all this way to see him. There was no way to salvage anything from this mess. This was making it harder. She had spoken with the others. All of them in fact which was probably unnecessary, but she had done it. There was no way to escape their curious glances and questions at Drovers Run. She had told Regan first, only because it was somehow easier being that she didn't know Regan well. And eventually Jodi and Kate. And she realised it wasn't fair of her to ask him to keep it from Nick if he wanted to tell. Let him tell. Let the world know. It made no difference now.

"I should get going." She announced walking away to get her horse. She walked slowly but decidedly, hoping he would stop her. Hoping he would but scared at the same time. She wouldn't let herself turn around and look at him. If she had she would have seen him standing, following her every move with his eyes, his hand extended towards her, just needing her to turn around, for once to turn to him and not run from him. And he wanted to say something to her. But there seemed nothing to say. No words that would get through this enormous barrier they had both built between themselves. So he stood, and he let her walk away. And then he sat in that spot under that tree wondering if that would be the last time he would see her, speak to her, touch her. Was that his last chance. Had he said the wrong thing? What is it he was supposed to have done? He didn't know. And he sat with his head in his hands under that tree wondering where things had all gone so wrong. 

Later that afternoon Alex waited nervously at the Johnsons door. It irritated him that he was so nervous, why should he have to impress that Peter Johnson anyway? He shouldn't have to be so nervous to pick up his little girl. He was nervous of Charlotte more than anyone. Every time he saw her she had grown so much,. Would she remember him? Still love him? Would she always know how much he loved her?

Peter answered the door. "Yes?"

"I'm here for BOM." Alex explained.

"The child is named Charlotte, and I was expecting Tess." Peter replied coldly.

"Tess and I discussed it , and decided it would better if I picked BOM up." Alex went on, deliberately using his nickname for the girl. "She hast seen Tess or Drovers in awhile, and we thought it would be better this way, she can come to my place first and we'll meet up with Nick and Tess." His explanation sounded plausible. Truthfully he realised he wasn't welcome at Drovers this Christmas, and he realised this might be his only chance to spend some time with BOM. Irritated he had to explain himself to Peter, he pushed his way through the door and Charlotte ran into his arms.

"Hello Alex, The girls are ready." Michelle greeted him in a slightly more friendly tone.

"Girls?" Alex asked, as he noticed Rose in the doorway.

"See I told you they don't want me tagging along, cant I just stay here?" Rose mumbled.

Alex answered quickly "Oh its not that Rose, you are more than welcome. Anytime." He told her sincerely. "I was just stunned, to see how much you've changed, you look more like your mother every day." Alex let out without really thinking what he was saying. This earned him a dirty look from Michelle, and Rose herself was not too pleased to be compared to Michelle right at that moment. This went unnoticed by Alex who could think only of Stevie. He tried so hard to forget her, it was difficult at the best of times, but when that girl, Stevie's girl, was standing there right in front of him, it became impossible. Was he destined to be haunted by Stevie for as long as he lived? Would he want it any other way? Would he really want to wake up and not think of her? To sleep and not dream of her? To try and run from her only to find her daughter standing before him?

Somehow he collected himself and the girls and they headed back to Killarney. Charlotte had spent the occasional weekend at Killarney with Alex, which had been requested by Tess. Peter agreed for some reason, to keep the peace probably.

Rose seemed to relax a bit at Killarney. Alex noticed she was very gentle with Charlotte, who adored her. And again it crossed his mind that neither of these girls should be living with Peter and Michelle. Charlotte should be with him, or with Tess, or Jodi, and Rose with her mother, who should be with him, well they should all be together really. All one big happy family. Neither girl should be a stranger to Killarney, to Drovers Run. But as it was Alex showed them around, somehow he found peace in the simple afternoon they spent. Then Tess and Jodi arrived.

Charlotte who hadn't stopped talking non stop for hours suddenly went very quiet and shy. She ran and hugged Jodi, but seemed wary of Tess, which was understandable considering the amount of time Tess had been gone. Charlotte hardly remembered her. Alex saw the look on Tess face, but what did she expect? Charlotte clung to Rose for the rest of the after noon, and Rose herself seemed to get more anxious by the minute.

"I didn't know you'd be joining us Rose, that's great." Jodi exclaimed.

"It's a surprise for Aunty Stevie" The girl replied in a dull tone of voice.

"Well it's getting dark we better be going." Tess said.

"Listen you guys go, and I'll be there soon, I have a few things to do." Alex said nervously.

This was going to be the hard part. Alex realised Tess would be expecting him to come to Drovers with them, to celebrate Christmas there, Christmas lunch, Christmas dinner, Christmas tree, Christmas presents, all that stuff. He wanted to share that with Charlotte, with his brother and Tess…even with Stevie. It was mostly Stevie he wanted to share that with. But it wouldn't be like it should be. And he couldn't torture himself like that. He couldn't stand it. He wouldn't torture her like that either. He saw the look on her face this afternoon. It killed her too, being near him. And it would surely cause tension that wouldn't go unnoticed by Tess and Nick. And he had promised he would keep this from Tess and Nick. It seemed important to Stevie that it be that way. Although it seemed unfair to him that he was bound to silence when she had told half the district. But he had told her he wouldn't tell Tess and Nick, and his words meant something, even though hers meant nothing. He felt bitterness creeping into his thoughts and he stopped there. He didn't want to be angry with her, It didn't solve anything,

Tess looked puzzled that Alex wasn't joining them right away, but Jodi nodded knowingly. It tormented him wondering what Jodi was thinking. Little Jodi. Just a baby. What had Stevie told her about him? Why was she nodding, why she wouldn't look him in the eyes? He wasn't stupid, he knew how much they all talk over there. And he gathered he had been a hot topic of conversation lately.

"Why isn't Alex coming?" Charlotte asked when the four of them had arrived in the car. Rose immediately put her earphones on and ignored the others. This was going to be one long vacation. She was glad Charlotte had other people to chat incessantly to for a while and took peace in the solitude. Planning the million and one nasty things she could say and do to Stevie once she arrived at Drovers Run.

"He's coming soon." Tess answered assuredly, having no reason to doubt that.

Unsatisfied with that answer the child turned to Jodi "Really why isn't he coming Jodi?" She asked

"Well, he is very busy." Jodi answered. Trying to think of something to say which would satisfy Charlotte and yet not arouse any suspicion from Tess.

"Did Uncle and Alex and Aunty Stevie have another fight?" Charlotte asked

"No." Jodi answered. What else was she supposed to say. She turned the music up loud hoping it would keep Charlotte quiet.

"Well why is uncle Alex so sad?" Charlotte persisted with her questioning.

"He's not sad honey" Tess answered.

The child was again unsatisfied with the answer from Tess and turned once again to Jodi. "Jodi, why?'

"Well." Jodi began not sure what to say that would put this conversation to an end. "He is sad because his car got smashed up and now he will have to buy a new one, and he liked his old car very much." Jodi answered.

"Oh." Charlotte said nodding. "Yes he liked his car a lot."

Jodi was momentarily pleased with herself until Charlotte spoke again "My mums car got all smashed up and she died." The little girl said quietly.

Jodi decided to let Tess answer that one.

"I know." Tess said, turning around to face the child in the back seat. "That's a very very sad thing. But Uncle Alex is fine, and he will be coming over soon to have Christmas lunch with us."

Charlotte nodded.

"Well why is Aunty Stevie sad?" She asked.

Jodi wondered if she herself had been so annoying as a child asking so many hard questions.

"She's not sad." Tess answered

"Yes she is." Charlotte argued.

"She is sad about uncle Alex car too, she liked it a lot as well." Jodi said finally "But she will be happy to see you and Rose, so don't worry anymore."

Charlotte nodded, knowing Stevie would indeed be pleased to see her, but wondering exactly how pleased she would be to see Rose knowing how angry Rose was. She wondered why Alex wasn't coming with them. Somehow the little girl, although she didn't understand why, knew that Alex wouldn't be coming to join them at Drovers Run "later". And Christmas at Drovers Run without him didn't seem to be right.

Alex sat with a beer in his hand. "Merry Christmas" He said to himself. A glance at the clock made him reach for a stronger drink. It was only 9am It was going to be a long day.

Everything in him longed to be at Drovers. Almost everything. His beautiful God Daughter was spending Christmas there. And Nick and Tess had come all the way from South America. And then there was Stevie.

It was mostly fear that kept him away. The Drovers girls had rallied around Stevie and cast him as the villain. He had expected that. He wondered if they knew every intimate detail of his love life, or if it was just some kind of blind girly loyalty that made him as welcome as a cochroach at Drovers Run. Either way he didn't begrudge Stevie their support. Though he did wish to have a few more players on his team. Or more than that, he wished they were all playing on the same team, like it had always been.

He was hurt too, it hurt just being around her. He didn't want to torture himself. He didn't want to torture her. He felt her pain as sharply as his own, he couldn't tell anymore what the ddifference was. It hadn't always been that way. He admitted that, and regrettd it. But he was powerless to change it.

He was wary of Nick and Tess too, and hated that he had to feel that way about his brother and sister in law. Stevie didn't want them to know anything, and he had promised. But truthfully it suited him. Somewhere deep down he wondered if even Nick and Tess would have taken her side. And even if they took his, it would lead to unnecessary friction for everyone. They were only here a short time. He would suffer it in silence.

He closed his eyes, the effects of the drink relaxing him. He thought about the car. The accident. He had been chasing her. They had argued. It all started that day. Up until then things were perfect. One careless word changed all that.

"_You knew?" She had asked him that day, shocked at first, too shocked for anger._

"It doesn't really matter now, does it?" He had answerd awkwardly. Yes he had known her father was sick. He had known she might possible save him. He didn't tell her. He had his reasons. But she wasn't interested in hearing them.

"No it doesn't matter now. My father is dead. I could have saved him, and you knew that. You just let him die." She said, still not angry, just trying to work it all out in her mind.

"You don't know you could have saved him, there was just a small chance…." Alex told her, trying to keep things in perspective. It was her fathers wish that she not be told. But perhaps Alex would not have gone against that, it was only for the baby he kept quiet. He didn't want Stevie being part of any strange experimental medical procedures. It wasn't right for a pregnant woman. So he had kept quiet.

She looked at him them, and if looks could kill he would have been as dead as her father. She left after that, telling him to leave her alone, that she didn't want to be around him. It was fair enough. And looking back he decided he should have let her go. She would have thought about it, calmed down, and then he would explain his reasons. And maybe things could have gone back to being as perfect as that night under the stars.

But he had been to proud and stubborn to let her walk away with the last word. He had to make her see that it wasn't like she was making it sound. She took his car. And he followed in her ute. He shouldn't have chased her. It only made her drive faster. He realised that almost immediately, and he slowed down. But she didn't.

Stevie remembered very little immediately after the crash. Only waking up in the hospital. Only Alex screaming at her "What the hell did you think you were doing?!"

She knew deep down his anger stemmed from his love for her, for their baby. And she had been driving recklessly, he was right about that. But his anger only sparked her own temper and she ordered him to get out. He was never one to be told to do anything, and he ignored her. Infuriating her all the more.

They argued back and forth, neither one could remember the exact words, about her father, about the baby, about his car. But some words neither one could not forget, no matter how desperatly they wanted to.

"You have to start thinking about the baby." He said to her "You have to start acting like a mother." She just couldn't do these stupid things to put herself and the baby at risk. Why didn't she understand that?

"I am a mother." She answered defensively.

"Yeah mother of the year." He said sarcastically. He hadn't meant it quite as it sounded. He only meant it wouldn't do Rose much good if her mother was killed in a car accident, or during some freaky transplant operation. But truthfully he wondered, he always had, why Stevie had still not yet told Rose the truth. Maybe she didn't want Rose after all, maybe she didn't want this baby.

"Get out." She told him again. "Stay away from me, stay away from my baby!" She told him.

"Your baby? Excuse me I thought it was our baby?! Maybe you don't want to be a mother, its too much effort to think about someone else instead of yourself." He should have stopped there. But he did not. Maybe he already saw that his words had caused damage beyond repair. "Enjoy these 9 months Stevie, make the most of it. I'll see you at the custody hearing." Those were his final words as he left the hospital room and slammed the door. 

Looking back he hated himself for the way he had yelled at her that day when she was lying there so helpless. He hated the way she had looked at him, as if he was a criminal. He hated that he hadn't told her then that he loved her, that he hadn't stayed with her and taken care of her. He hated everything about that day, but most of all he hated that brief moment when he thought he had lost her. He had been through that once with Claire, he wouldn't let it happen again. He lost Claire, he lost Charlotte. He wouldn't lose anything else. Didn't she understand that?

He didn't think there was a worse feeling than that moment when he pulled her from the car fearing she was dead. Not until she called him three days later, told him not to bother with his custody hearing because there was no baby anymore, and hung up.


	13. Chapter 13

Christmas Day

**Christmas Day**

Stevie watched Rose playing with Charlotte on the lawns of Drovers Run. She  
was glad for Rose, that her own Christmases had been happy. She was certain  
that Rose had wanted for nothing as a child. But this Christmas, Rose seemed  
so sad and withdrawn. Stevie had tried to talk to her about it. It broke her  
heart to see Rose in so much pain. But Rose only snubbed her the way she had  
the other day in town. Stevie could not understand why Rose was so hostile  
towards her. But she was determined to find out. She pulled Rose aside while  
the others were occupied watching Charlotte open one of many presents. She  
watched as Rose looked sadly towards the happy scene. Only then did she  
realise how out of place Rose must feel at Drovers this Christmas. Stevie  
had been thrilled that Michelle agreed to the visit she hadn't stopped to  
think Rose must miss her parents. Or how unsettled Rose might be by the  
divorce and Michelle remarrying Peter.

"Rose, please talk to me, tell me what's wrong. I'm not the enemy you  
know."

"What's wrong? I miss my grand father. Can you bring him back from the  
dead?" _I miss my father,_ Rose thought to herself. But she didn't dare to  
say it aloud. He had taken off to Tasmania without even saying goodbye. The  
only decent father figure she had was her grandfather, and he was gone now  
too. And it was all Stevie's fault.

Stevie was stunned into silence. She hadn't considered how the death had  
affected Rose so deeply. She found it hard to accept that her daughter  
looked up to that man. And yet it didn't seem all that long ago she herself  
was a child and adored him.

"Didn't think so." Rose finished, walking away.

"Oh Rose. I miss him too." Stevie said quietly

'You miss him?" Rose stopped in her tracks and spun around to face Stevie  
once again. " You never came to visit him, not even when he was sick, not  
even when he was dying…" Rose accused her bitterly, every word conveyed the  
depth of her anger, her blame.

'Rose, I didn't know he was sick.." Stevie started to explain, happy that  
Rose had opened up to her about her anger, and convinced that she could work  
it out with her. If she just explained it to Rose then things would be ok  
and she would help Rose get through her grief, they would help each other.

'You didn't know because you didn't care. About him. About any of us. About  
anything. Stay away from me I cant stand to be around you."

Stevie had to stop herself from screaming back at the girl _"I don't care?  
He threw me out onto the streets. Stole my baby and tossed me aside. Turned  
his back in his own daughter. He is the one who didn't care!" _

The desire to defend herself was strong, but she couldn't bring herself to  
say those words, knowing it would only cause more pain and confusion for  
Rose. She couldn't bring those things up now. Maybe never. And hadn't she  
done the same, abandoned her own child? It was all too much, and Stevie  
didn't know how to continue the conversation. Perhaps there was no defence.  
Rose looked at her with such contempt, those beautiful eyes that Stevie  
remembered being so full of joy were now clouded with anger, bitterness and  
disappointment.

"Fine, if that's how you feel." Stevie replied as she turned her back on  
her daughter and walked away. It killed her, walking away from Rose like  
that, a second time walking away from her daughter. But once again she felt  
so helpless, unable to give Rose what she needed. And unable to stand there  
and let her daughter walk away from her. The only solution was to turn away  
and leave Rose behind.

Rose kicked the ground with her shoes. Stevie made her blood boil. How could  
she stand there and declare that she missed him, that she had ever cared  
about him. Her grandparents had been right, Stevie didn't care about any of  
them, no wonder they didn't acknowledge her as a daughter. Rose wanted to  
get out of this place. She could just run away, no one could stop her. No  
one would even care. Her father was in another state, her mother wanted her  
out of the way to spend time with her new husband, her grandmother was in  
England and her grandfather was dead. She could just take off and make a new  
life for herself, she didn't need any of them.

But the anger burned so fiercely in her heart. It wasn't something she  
wanted to carry with her forever, this anger. The only way she could think  
of to discard it was to find a way to make Stevie pay. And so she found a  
quiet spot and sat, running through her head all her ideas to hurt her aunt  
Stevie, completely oblivious to the fact that nothing she could dream up  
would hurt Stevie more than her careless words already had.

Stevie looked around the happy scene, everyone celebrating and laughing.  
Everything seemed to be fading to grey. The happy life she had built- it was  
all for Rose- the job, the cottage, everything. And now Rose hated her. Now  
this life was worthless. Rose felt neglected and unloved even as a niece, if  
she ever found out Stevie was her mother it would only add to her anger. And  
what was the point in telling her now? Rose wouldn't consider it good news,  
and Stevie would not deliberately hurt her that way. And what was the point  
of gaining a daughter who hated you?

She had hoped desperately this Christmas might be the time for her and  
Rose. She had been foolish to hope. She was desperately trying to cling to  
something now that she had lost Alex and the baby, and her father. And lost  
some part of herself with each and every one of them. She saw now that it  
wasn't fair to use Rose like that, to make herself feel better and give  
herself a reason for living. Maybe she had nothing left to offer Rose.  
Hell, maybe she never had anything to offer.

She thought about her father. She could have saved him. Maybe they could  
have found some peace. And the baby, she could have saved it too, and her  
relationship with Alex right along with it. Her conscious was heavy with  
guilt. The only person who was ok was Rose, and only that because Stevie had  
given her away. Everything she touched turned to ashes. It wouldn't be  
right to drag Rose into that kind of cursed life, even if Rose were willing.  
Rose was as lost to her as the unborn baby was.

She reminded herself she still had Drovers, still had her friends. But those  
things seemed meaningless. Everything she had worked so hard to build seemed  
to amount to nothing. All through those long lonely years she had kept going  
for one reason- Her daughter. It was thinking of Rose that got her through  
every obstacle. She had to survive, there was no other option, Rose was  
counting on her. It was frightening to let go of that, to realise Rose was  
fine without her, to realise she must find strength inside herself to keep  
going.

Alex had been silently watching the argument between Rose and Stevie. He saw  
the wounded look in Stevie's eyes as Rose's words cut through her heart. He  
flinched. He wondered if Rose knew how much her words hurt. He felt partly  
to blame, after all he was the one who had kept the information about  
Stevie's father a secret. He'd only done it because he was worried about  
her, about the baby. He didn't want her risking her own health or the baby's  
in some procedure that probably wouldn't have saved the sick old man anyway.  
Why would Stevie want that in any case? Why would she care about an old man  
that didn't care about her?

But Alex knew she did care. That she would have done whatever her father  
asked of her. It was why he had kept the information from her. That's where  
it all started. The destruction of everything he treasured, all traced back  
to that one moment. He could do nothing to take it back, to save her father,  
to turn back time and prevent the accident, he was powerless. But perhaps he  
could do something about Rose. His intentions were good, but his plan was  
not well thought out.

"Hey Kid" He called out to Rose as he stumbled along to where she was sitting  
alone. He had drunk far too much already, and tried hard to maintain his  
balance.

"What do you want?" She asked in a hostile voice, finding it hard to  
believe she had ever had a crush on this guy. She wanted to be alone, she  
had plans to make, and she didn't want any of Stevie's stupid friends  
hanging around.

Alex seated himself beside Rose on the ground, not put off by her hostile  
attitude. "Right, I know you're upset about stuff, but that's not reason to  
take it out on Stevie."

"Shut up, you don't know what you're talking about." Rose snapped at him.  
It was none of his business and he didn't know anything about it.

"Oy. Have some respect."

"I don't owe you any respect." Rose replied.

"Not me. Your mother. Show some respect for your mother." Alex answered  
quickly without realising what he was saying.

Stevie looked over to Tess and Nick, she had deliberately spaced herself at  
the other end of the verandah to avoid their constant questions about where  
Alex was. How could Stevie continue being part of Drovers Run with Alex so  
much a part of this place? How could they share this place and these people?  
She could not stand to be in such close proximity to him, to his family, to  
the places they had shared. She felt so confused in her feelings. She missed  
him. Deeply. But how could things be the same? He had lied to her, kept the  
truth about her fathers illness from her, and she had been so angry. And  
then she had been crushed when he finally let it slip that he felt she was  
an unfit mother for their baby. She knew now that his words were said in  
anger, that he hadn't fully meant them. But there must have been some truth.  
Of course there was truth, look at how badly she stuffed things with Rose.  
Of course he doubted her as a mother. And then the accident. 'It _was an  
accident, just an accident'_ the others told her. But she knew the truth.  
She had been foolish to drive so recklessly. It was an accident that didn't  
need to happen. And he had been the one chasing her, driving so fast, making  
her drive faster to get away. She was torn between her own guilt and blaming  
him. And there seemed no way to find any peace. It seemed like a life time  
ago that night under the stars.

8 months earlier

_Stevie woke to the sun gleaming light in the early hours of the morning. She  
hadn't wanted to open her eyes, scared that the precious night with Alex had  
been only a foolish fantasy. But as she woke she realised it had all been  
true, that she lay in his arms on the roadside._

It was hardly the most romantic place, and yet it seemed so perfect under  
the stars. After all what else did she need if she had Alex? It seemed that  
the world belonged to them, each and every star was shining that night just  
for the two of them, and she could not have imagined a more perfect setting.  
He had looked so sexy in his dirt stained jeans, with leaves and twigs  
caught in his hair.

She lay awake in his arms reluctant to open her eyes. She only wanted to be  
still and remember. She could feel his arms around her, and for the first  
time since she was a child she felt loved and safe. Somewhere deep inside of  
her she knew that they had conceived a child last night. It was something  
she felt instinctively. And it made her heart leap with joy to think of  
another life growing inside of her,another chance. In that moment she never  
imagned that sadness would touch her life again.

"Good morning beautiful." He said as she looked up into his eyes.

She smiled shyly at him, still getting used to seeing him as hers. As  
something more than a mate and a neighbour. She had no chance to reply to  
him as he reached forward and kissed her passionatley.

"Good morning Mr Ryan." She said finally when he had pulled away to catch  
his breath.

"You're so beautiful." He told her as he pulled her close into his arms and  
kissed the top of her head.

Stevie wondered how he could find her beautiful, she looked as disheveled  
as he did, her clothes wrinkled and dusty from spending the night outdoors,  
her hair a tangled mess. And yet she believed him to be sincere, believed it  
with every part of her. She told herself not to believe him, not to get too  
caught up, surely it would end badly, you couldn't trust anyone, life had  
taught her that. But it felt so good believing in him, letting him love her.  
She had no power to resist him.

"Come on, we better get going." He said finally , making a move towards the  
car.

"Of course." She answered, trying to hide her disappointment that the night had come to an end. The real world was waiting for them both. "Kate and Jodi will be worried, I told them I'd be home yesterday, and I'm sure you have plenty to do waiting for you at Killarney." It had been wrong to be with Alex last night, to use him to comfort herself. She knew his track record with woman. She shouldn't get too carried away, it was just one night. It was foolish to want or expect it meant anything more to him.

"Killarney will have to wait, and so will Kate and Jodi." He answered with a smile on his face

"What are you talking about?" She asked him

He only smiled smugly. "You'll see."

"Alex!" She protested "We can't just…"

"It's a surprise, ok? No more questions."

She had been dying of curiosity, but at the same time the thought of a surprise thrilled her.

"I just want you to know something." Alex said as he took her hand and led her to the car,

"What?" She asked

"I don't want this to end."

"We have to go home sometime. Cant live on the road side forever." She replied, trying to stop her heart from racing as he took hold of her face and looked into her eyes

"That's not what I mean. I mean us."

"Us?" She repeated, surely she was dreaming. Her foolish fantasies of her and Alex . Could those dreams really ever come true?

"I want you to know…" He began nervously, looking like a school boy "It wasn't just one night for me, I mean….I love you. And I want to be with you. Forever Stevie." 

_Christmas Day_

A sad smile crept over Stevie's face as she remembered. She barely noticed as Charlotte climbed into her lap as she sat on the verandah watching the others around the BBQ. Stevie felt the warmth from the little girls embrace, and the cold jealous stare from Tess. It wasn't like Stevie encouraged or wanted Charlotte's  
attention right now, she wanted only to be left alone. It was all so warped,  
her own children were gone, but someone else's little girl sat in her lap. Claire  
was gone, and Tess stood on the sidelines wanting so desperately to connect  
with her niece. But Charlotte was stubborn and had hardened her heart  
towards the woman who was little more than a stranger to her.

There was a time, not so long ago, that Stevie would have been desperate to  
confide in Tess. Somehow Tess always made her feel better, always helped her  
see things clearly. But Tess had moved on, nothing was the same. Stevie  
realised that she and Tess would never be close again, not now that there  
was such a huge rift between her and Alex. Besides, Tess was becoming  
increasingly resentful towards Stevie, devastated at the way Charlotte  
seemed to be so happy with her and yet so frightened of Tess. What could  
Tess expect? She had been gone so long, Charlotte barely remembered her. She  
couldn't expect the little girl to run into her arms. Stevie felt bad for  
Tess as she watched her look at Charlotte loving her desperately, wanting to  
make up for all the time and distance. It was the same way Stevie watched  
Rose.

"Go on Charlotte, Aunty Tess has something to show you." Stevie tried to  
encourage the girl towards her aunt.

"You come too." Charlotte pleaded with her.

"In a minute." Stevie told the little girl "Go on."

Rose shook her head in disgust "You're drunk you freak" She told him. What did he know about Rose or her family? He wasn't even making sense.

Alex held his breath, as he realised what he had just said. How had he been so drunk to let that slip out? It took a moment in his foggy mind to realise that Rose didn't have a clue about the implications of his statement. She only thought he was drunk and not talking any sense.

He was so relieved that he hadn't let the secret slip out about Stevie being Rose's mother. He decided to let Rose walk away rather than risk putting his foot in it again. He had been trying to help. But Stevie wouldn't have seen it that way if he had been the one to tell Rose the truth. Coming to Drovers had been a mistake. He should go home and sleep it off. He decided this as he made his way back to his car. But it was too late. He had been seen.

His sister in law ran towards him. There was no escape now. 

"Merry Christmas Tess" He said, hoping she wouldn't realise how much he had to drink, how hard it was to speak without sluring his speech. Well it was Christmas, he was celebrating, nothing wrong with that.

"Alex!" She called out, panicked.

"What is it?" He asked

"Charlotte. Is Charlotte with you?" She asked him

"What? No." He replied still confused.

"I can't find Charlotte, I looked everywhere, Charlotte is missing."


	14. Chapter 14

"Come on." Rose impatiently pulled the little girl behind her.

"Rosie, where are we going?" Charlotte pleaded. "I'm tired, I just want to go back to the house"

"We're playing a game." Rose tried to entice the child along.

The little girls eyes brightened "What game?"

"Hide and seek."

"I hate Hide and Seek, lets play dolls instead." Charlotte held out her favourite Christmas present, a doll from Uncle Alex

"No I'm not playing with your stupid doll." Rose snatched it from the child.

Charlotte's bottom lip trembled. Rose felt bad, softened her tone, kneeled down at the little girls height. "Sorry Char," She handed the doll back "Its just that this is a really special game, and I really want you to play. "

"What's so special about it?"

"It's kids versus adults, and we have to show them that we're smarter than they are."

Charlotte considered this. Rose went on "So you hide ok, I'll show you the best place. Don't come out til I tell you. They'll call you , try to trick you, but you have to stay hiding, ok? Quiet as a little mouse?"

It did sound like fun Charlotte agreed, and she couldn't help but go along with anything the older girl asked of her.

Rose hid her delight as she watched the others frantically search for the missing child, quickly she observed they turned on one another.

"Rose, Where is Charlotte?" Tess confronted her aggressively, accusingly, or just plain desperately.

"I don't know " Rose answered sweetly "She was with you."

"That's not good enough, She is only young you need to keep a closer eye on her!" Tess yelled at Rose.

Stevie stepped in quickly to defend her daughter. "Rose isn't responsible for Charlotte's well being, she is a child herself." Stevie said gently, placing a protective hand on Roses shoulder. Rose shuddered at the gesture, and pulled away, refusing to meet Stevie's gaze.

"Actually" Rose went on "I did see Charlotte last with Aunty Stevie, sitting on the veranda right over there." Rose pointed to the place she had watched Charlotte sitting on Stevie's lap minutes earlier.

Tess turned her accusation to Stevie "It's not like Charlotte to just walk off."

"How would you know?" Rose muttered under her breath.

"..Something must have happened. Why didn't you pay more attention" Tess continued. They all turned to Stevie now. She was visibly nervous "Charlotte was sitting with me yes, then She told me she was going to see Tess."

"She hasn't been near me all day, you made sure of that." Tess responded bitterly. "Now where is she, you must have noticed something"

"She was sitting with me, and then left to go see you. She wasn't even ten metres from you. " Stevie repeated and then grew defensive "Look she's not my niece, I didn't realise she was my sole responsibility, maybe you should have been watching her 'more closely' yourself Tess."

"That is just like you Stevie, Nothing is ever your responsibility is it? " Tess challenged.

Stevie felt cold. The ice in her daughters gaze, in Tess voice, it froze her heart. These were people she loved more dearly than life itself. She felt she would fall to the ground, her legs would give way underneath her. How could anyone stand at all under so much condemnation?

Just as she thought she couldn't take it a moment longer, Alex stepped in, his hand on Stevie's shoulder- in a similar gesture to the way she had touched Rose moments ago. Alex knew his attempt at comfort, reassurance, support, might be thrown back at him, much the way Rose had done to Stevie. But he needed to do it anyway,

"Look it's no ones fault, and all this isn't helping. We already searched the house and immediate area, we need to split up." The calm in his voice sounded unnatural even to him, and it didn't match with his inner thought, panic about Charlotte, unresolved tension between him and Stevie, confused mess of his mind from too many drinks. But someone needed to take charge.

" Tess you and Nick go west, Kate and Jodi take the north, Regan and Rose take the, search the cottage, shearers quarters." They all began to disperse and he turned lastly to Stevie, quietly "Come with me." He said softly, an order or an invitation. The others were too preoccupied or too far away to note the tenderness in his voice. He needed to be the one with Stevie, to shield her from the others, from her own thoughts he knew tormented and condemned her.

She followed like a child, trying hard to keep her mind focused- It was Charlotte that mattered now. Not Rose, Tess, not Alex.

He walked quickly ahead of her, his legs longer, and he thought of slowing the pace, but he knew she was more than capable of keeping up if she had wanted to. She felt somehow safer behind him. He wanted to take her hand, but he was afraid it would only cause her to pull away. So he satisfied himself listening to the dry ground crunch under her feet as she walked behind him, he could smell her, feel her. Feel this great brokenness. He wanted so desperately to make her whole, for her to make him whole, to fill the void in each other that seemed to grow larger each day.

He called Charlotte's name loudly, almost angrily. Had she really just wandered off? It wasn't like her, Tess was right. But at least this was a simple problem. She was lost- he would find her. She was a smart kid. This wasn't like when she had gone missing as a toddler. She was older, had more sense, she would be ok. But he knew that in Stevie's mind she was reliving the horror of that day, the guilt.

He realised they would find Charlotte, he just knew it. He wasn't so sure he and Stevie would ever resolve their issues. He didn't know where to begin. Guiltily he relished this chance to be close to her, to be part of something with her.

As they walked, he noticed suddenly he could no longer hear her soft footsteps behind him. He turned to face her, wondering why she had stopped so suddenly.

"What?" He asked.

She said nothing, only looked at him with a helpless expression.

"Come on." He said. "We need to keep moving." He reached forward to take her hand.

She pulled away suddenly, not able to stand him being so close. "Don't touch me." She screamed.

"Come on Stevie, Don't pay attention to Tess, She didn't mean any of that, Ignore her." He tried his best to reassure her.

"But she's right."

"Well it doesn't matter right now, Lets just find Charlotte ok?" He answered, not knowing what to say anymore.

"You go." She told him "I'll go up round the creek. Meet you back at the house." Suddenly she needed more than anything to have space, just to be on her own away from everyone. He didn't need her by his side to search for Charlotte. In fact it would be quicker if they split up. She didn't wait for an answer as she turned and headed towards the creek.

"Wait." He called "We need to stick together." He didn't like the idea of her going off alone, partly because he was worried about her, partly because he was enjoying having her so close.

She ignored him, he followed, grabbing her from behind.

"Don't touch me!" She screamed. "Let me go!"

"Not until you listen to me, Right?!" He shouted back, trying desperately to get through to her, believing that somehow if he raised his voice loud enough, she was sure to get it.

Charlotte had been hiding in the bushes where Rose told her to, quiet as a mouse. She watched Alex and Stevie as they came through the path, calling her name. She did what Rose told her, ignored them calling and sat silently. She leaned her head forward trying to hear what they were talking about. The voices were muffled in the breeze. It was only Stevie's last shouted words she heard and it prompted her to move from her hiding spot.

"Stop it! Stop fighting!" She yelled at the two adults who turned around to face her, stunned.

~~ Rose was incredibly pleased with herself. So what the brat had told everyone it was her idea, they had been angry , it had been worth it Still. This wasn't he family, wasn't her Christmas. Charlotte was never in any danger, so what were they all so uptight and freaked out about?

Rose was happy with the outcome of her scheme, or thought she was. As she walked along the property she caught the glimmer of red hair in the sunshine – her aunty. The one who made all this happened. Rose hated her, the way she tried to pretend to be nice, pretended to care about anything. How had Rose ever been so young or so foolish, to admire her, revere her.

Rose silently followed behind her Aunt, realising that Stevie was crying. She smiled to herself thinking that she probably caused those tears. She wasn't sure how exactly, had it been confronting her about her Grandfathers death, or accusing her of being neglectful caring for Charlotte. It didn't matter. Aunty Stevie deserved to suffer. Rose concentrated on being silent and un noticed as she followed behind her aunt. She hadn't realised what was happening at first.

Stevie came to a stop at the hay shed. Great, Rose thought, boring farm work. Rose hid in the bushes and watched as Stevie went inside. Through the window Rose observed as Stevie climbed the creaking stairs. Stevie disappeared from Rose's sight for a moment, and then appeared on the roof top of the two story shed. Rose heard the clinking of footsteps on the old tin roof, and wondered for a moment if Stevie might fall right through. It made her smile to imagine it.

What on earth was she doing up there? Rose squinted into the sunlight shielding her eyes from the bright light, she stepped closer to the shed, out from her hiding place behind the bushes. Her aunt was facing away, and Rose felt safe to move round the corner of the building. She came to a fence line, beyond it a steep drop down a rocky ledge. She looked up to the roof top and observed her aunt walking along the roof, right to the very edge overlooking the steep valley. She watched as her aunt climbed the small rail that fenced the perimeter of the roof top, and Stood tentatively dangling one foot over the edge, looking down at the steep incline before her.

That when rose realised it- she was going to jump.

Rose knew her Aunty Stevie had always been unstable. Michelle told her that many times. But to jump? Those sad eyes flashed before her, well why shouldn't she jump? She had a pathetic life, no kids, no husband, no education, she had killed her own father, was estranged from her mother, disowned by her own family. What was left to live for?

Rose stood, eyes glued to the figure on the roof top. She felt the world spinning around her. She herself it was ok, Stevie deserved it. Isn't it what she wanted? Who would care anyway? She willed herself to turn and walk away, it wasn't her problem.

But bile rose in her throat, her stomach clenched. Hands shaking she remembered her aunty Stevie as she had known and loved her. Holding her as a little girl, reading to her singing to her, teaching her to ride,

She looked up, couldn't see face, Stevie was facing away, so high up, reflected sunlight on tin obscured her view, Rose shifted her gaze to the sudden steep drop, into the rocky valley. That would hurt. Isn't that what she had wanted? She looked back up confused. Stevie was standing still, like death. It looked like she had already stopped breathing, like she wasn't real, a statue. The only movement was her red gold hair in the breeze.

What was Auntie Stevie thinking, what was she doing, wouldn't she die if she jumped or just get hurt? Would anyone even know she was there?

Rose couldn't stand and watch no matter if Stevie had done the same for her grandfather, Rose just didn't have it in her. Rose called out, her voice sounding childlike and afraid to her own ears. She despised the sound, telling herself she was neither. The was no movement. Had Stevie heart the timid voice? Rose called louder, but just as frightened and small.

"Aunty Stevie?" It was a question not a statement. It meant 'what are you doing? Can you hear me? Who are you? Still my favourite Aunty? Or some kind of cold blooded monster? Some kind of crazy person throwing yourself off a roof? '

Stevie's head snapped and turned down. Rose wished she could see eyes, hear her voice. But it was too far up, the sun too bright. How could she make sense of any of this?

They stood, mother and daughter, in stunned horrified silence. Mutually uncomfortable and uncertain. Rose's eyes quickly darted to the door to the shed, and then back to her Aunt on the roof top. Rose wondered, if she went inside to climb the stairs to the roof, Would Stevie have jumped by the time she got there? She didn't think so. Didn't think even Stevie would do something like that in front of a teenage girl. But she didn't know her Aunt anymore.

Stevie rubbed her forehead with her hand, shifting her feet uncomfortably. What had she done? She knew she had to get it together, she had no choice. She couldn't stand here looking down at her little girl. She was the adult, the responsible one.

"Go back to the BBQ Rose" Stevie shouted down. Not wanting to go down herself, not wanting Rose to see her so messed up, not wanting to give Rose another chance to stick the knife in.

"Come down " Rose asked her.

How could she deny her daughter anything ? But how could she let Rose see her like this?

She stood unsure, And Rose mirrored her, looking to her for leads, for answers. She had none.

Stevie stepped away from the edge of the roof, safely into the centre, sneaking a quick look back over her shoulder to that ledge. That escape. She still longed for it.

Rose relaxed. Somehow the panic seemed over now. Had she imagined it all? She wanted to turn and walk, It wasn't her damn problem. Fuck Aunty Stevie. But Rose felt her boots were nailed to the ground, She couldn't move. She had only one option. If Stevie wouldn't come down, she would go up.

Slowly she walked , wordlessly, away from the spot she stood looking up at her Aunt. Stevie sighed in relief until she realised rose was heading towards the doorway, into the shed. Stevie looked back to her ledge, freedom, escape, peace. She couldn't stand Rose to see her like this. But she could hardly jump right in front of the poor kid.

"Go back" Stevie said forcefully, harshly, feeling guilty as the sounds escaped her mouth.

"I'm lost" Rose said finally "Show me the way back."

Stevie knew Rose was lying, but she sounded so small, so vulnerable, that Stevie couldn't leave her there.

Stevie took a breath, Somehow this was an answer. She could take charge, this was a normal situation, some thing she could deal with.

."Right, follow me" Stevie shouted down, making her way down the stairs to her daughter waiting below.


End file.
